Grouped
Back in the day before being a father and a having mortgage left me poorer than the local schizophrenic wino, I could afford nice holidays.

One of these was to the Maldives. We had a nice bungalow right on a reef. Apart from Mrs Bohica having a run in with a fucking massive eel that was living beneath the steps that lead to the sea, everything was fine. It scared the bejeesus out of here. But that was her, not me, so it was OK.

One morning I'm out for a snorkel when I get rammed in the mask by trigger fish. I can't remember exactly what type - we just used to call these ones Benny's because they looked fucking stupid and sort of deserved the name.

Ho-ho, thought I. I can crush this thing. I am mankind, I rock. It had another go and, admiring its courage, I left it to its own devices. What I didn't know was it had some big mates.

A few minutes later I've dived over the reef drop-off and I'm about ten feet down when something catches my eye - the biggest single bastard-giant fish I've ever seen. I later learned it was a giant grouper.

The fucker was at least five feet long, four high and a foot thick with a mouth like Crazy Frog. It must have weighed close-on three hundred and fifty pounds. That's a lot of fish fingers. Foolishly I had one of those 'bonding with nature moments' and decided to swim alongside it for a bit.

It was that moment it decided to flick round and ram me in the side with, I believe, every intention of sending me to Davy Jones's locker. I lost all the air in my lungs and tried to flap it away. It reacted the way you'd expect a bastard-big fish, king of its bit of ocean would react - it had another pop at me.

My pathetic flapping turned into a desperate doggy paddle back to the service hoping it wouldn't follow. Thankfully it didn't.

There was nothing I could do about the grouper, but I was sure I was set up by that Benny.

I vowed to eat the colourful little fucker if I saw it again. Unfortunately the little bastard had fucked off. Proof, if any was needed, that I was the victim of its elaborate revenge plot.

The wanker.
( Bohica Anne Frank's Bukkaki Tentacle Storm, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 11:23, Reply)