Turdzilla
I am a firm believer in the "shit at work" principle: it saves money on bog roll, and means that essentially you are getting paid to shit (try not shit during your lunch break though, as really it's your own time you're using, not your employer's).

One day last autumn, I got the usual bowel-call partway through the morning. I must have had a particularly fibrous meal the evening before, since the turd took far longer to emerge than usual, and required no little amount of effort on my part. When it had finally made its turdy way out of my body, I had a quick look to see what exactly had resulted in me panting like a paedophile in Topshop; thus I spied Turdzilla. Pale brown in colour, one end was rearing proudly from the top of the water, whilst the body plunged down into the u-bend and out of sight. It truly was a magnificent sight.

I did what any red-blooded male would do (which is odd, as I'm female) and had a quick giggle, then wiped up and flushed. Then I did what any red-blooded female would do, and had a quick glance to check that everything had been flushed away properly.

It hadn't.

One end was still poking above the water, except this time it was draped in wet loo roll, giving it the appearance of a particularly unwelcome ghost. I tried flushing again, which shifted some of the soggy shroud, but did nothing to shift my brown trout. Clearly the other end had become wedged in the u-bend, and my little bog-baby had such fortitude and strength that mere flushing wasn't going to break it in two and let it make a bid for freedom down the sewers.

Damn. What was I to do? Clearly this was a bit of an emergency, and the situation had to be handled with delicacy and tact. So I whipped out my phone and composed a text message of such wondrous prose that it brought a tear to my eye (This morning i did a gargantuan poo of such length that it got wedged round the ubend. It was at work as well, so the satisfaction was double. How are you you?) and sent it to Grandmasterfluffles.* Then I made sure the coast was clear and sneaked out, taking a diversion via another office so I would approach my own office from a direction unrelated to the loos.

10 minutes later there was a faint cry of disgust, the sound of futile flushing, and a sign appeared on the door to the ladies: "Toilets Out of Order". Several of the ladies in my office spoke in shocked tones about the size of turd that had broken the office loos, and wondering who the pooey culprit was. I sat there nodding and tutting away with them, biting back the words "it was meeeeeeeeeeeeee! Me and my Turdzilla!"

Shortly after that we moved offices, and Turdzilla has been forgotten by all but his proud, proud creator.


*As it happens, she'd lent her phone to her mother a week previously, so I'd just unwittingly alerted Mother Grandmasterfluffles to my scatalogical hilarity. Fortunately she found it funny. But then, Mother Grandmasterfluffles has been mentioned on these boards before: www.b3ta.com/questions/toomuchinformation/post89185
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 16:24, 7 replies)

I don't belive you
I think you are full of shit, no appologies for legnth etc
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 16:48, closed)

I certainly was full of shit...
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 16:55, closed)

You can Polish a turn and you can spray paint them pink too
Too the message board with my musings
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 13:34, closed)

LIAR!!!
We all know girls don't poo!
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 14 Jan 2010, 19:52, closed)

madame
i am an avid fan of your writings. it also is my understanding you are an musician, a lady, and are blessed with a splendid set of knockers.

please do not inform me of your excrement exploits.

please, just no
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 14 Jan 2010, 23:02, closed)

Not everyone realises this, but:
The "Dunny Chocker" can be an excellent means of workplace sabotage. Fight unfair working practices with extra fibre!
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 0:05, closed)

clicked
for the implication that Turdzilla was responsible for the office move
(bblgoose, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 13:11, closed)