we met in a Boots
I asked her if this cream would help my genital warts. she said she'd ask her teacher the next day. She was my ideal woman, hair like ripe avocados, and an anus that could hold a beach umberella in a gale. I knew that a woman like that would have to be romanced, so I asked her if she'd like to have my fuck missile explode in her ham silo. She said she wasn't into star wars, but she'd give me a titwank for an oyster card.
As soon as we got in the door she had her hand down my pants. I had to walk back and force her to drop my wallet. She asked me if I had ever made love to the Bolero, I said I preferred Dale's Supermarket Sweep. She was like a gymnast in bed. Fourteen. We started with a rusty trombone, then a cleveland steamer, and finally a kidderminster shagpiledriver that dislocated my wrist. She asked me to treat her mean so I told her she had the dress sense of a bosnian refugee. I gave her multiple organisms and she made me sleep in the wet spot. She touched me in places no woman had touched me before, like my duodenum. Sometimes, in some situations, I'm instantly transported back to that night, such as when I see a swan choking to death on mayonaisse
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 6:20, 14 replies)

Poetry.

(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 6:46, closed)

Exquisite...

Who said romance was dead?

*Clicks*
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Wed 23 Oct 2013, 8:17, closed)

You should send that in to Razzle
*click*
(Eukanuba, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 9:01, closed)

It's like Stusut79 never went away.
*click*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 9:05, closed)

worth a click for
She asked me to treat her mean so I told her she had the dress sense of a bosnian refugee

but the rest was also fantastic
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 9:08, closed)

have a click from me

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 10:04, closed)

Poetry + officelols

Highly reminiscent of "A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying" by The Bloodhound Gang.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 10:17, closed)

"an anus that could hold a beach umberella in a gale"
This to win.
(McChinaman banned, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 11:39, closed)

I read this in the voice of Vic Reeve's Kinky John

( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 11:53, closed)

Wonderful
A***
( Yo 'Ho of Charlie mass-market saucetrepreneur, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 12:38, closed)

"Had me roaring with laughter." TLS

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 12:38, closed)

worthy of byron himself

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 13:56, closed)

A 5 star lol - Paul Ross

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 23 Oct 2013, 14:24, closed)