In my current role...
...(I say role as I don't actually get paid for it - it's really what I was born to do) I have a few people managing me.

They treat me like absolute shit - they perform surgery on me all the time, they poison me with noxious fumes, and they tear away at my skin like vicious vultures. Testing, they call it. What they don't realise is that if they would just give me time to heal before abusing me further, I wouldn't mind them using me the way they do - like I said, I was made to do this. It's in my nature. They don't understand that i'm eventually going to run out of stuff for them to fuck with. They'll fucking kill me with all this shit - then we'll all be in serious trouble.

I keep some animals as well, but they don't bother me at all - in fact, I hardly even notice them and they seem fairly happy...but these cunts that manage me just take and take and take without any thought as to my needs. I wish I could contact HR, but we are a small company and we don't have the resources to set up an HR department. I'm all alone in this shit, and no-one can help me except the people running things - and they don't give a fuck.

I've got lung cancer, i've constantly got a fever (and it's getting worse by the day), my hair is falling out, i've got hemolysis because they keep opening me up, and my immune system is shot to shit.

What they don't realise, is that without me, they won't have any premises - the lease is in my name. If they keep messing with me the way they do, i'll just shut down, go into a coma, and then they'll be out in the street with no hope for anything. By the time my body has fixed itself, they'll be dead and gone, and i'll be able to continue on as though nothing has happened with a clean bill of health.

But none of us wants that. That's no solution.

Someone help,

Regards,
Earth.
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Fri 11 Jun 2010, 15:15, 10 replies)

Hahahahahaha
"Don't worry now, the world will be alright, because the land has been here longer than the likes of you and I."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Jun 2010, 15:21, closed)

Hippy

( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 11 Jun 2010, 15:36, closed)

Weren't you designed by
Deep Thought?
(roysin, Fri 11 Jun 2010, 15:46, closed)

ough
roa
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 11 Jun 2010, 15:56, closed)

Yawn. Oh, is it over?

( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Fri 11 Jun 2010, 16:08, closed)

Don't the animals shit all over you?
"They don't bother me at all"?
(sabre-tooth monkey, Fri 11 Jun 2010, 17:46, closed)

www.thedailymash.co.uk/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=774&Itemid=59
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Fri 11 Jun 2010, 21:42, closed)

I read somewhere...
That a single volcanic eruption releases more 'global warming' gas than the total amount released by the human race through industry/cars/etc to date.

Click anyway cos i 'liked' this
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Fri 11 Jun 2010, 22:16, closed)

This is correct.
And if one of the big ones underwent a full-scale eruption, the damage to the ecosystem would be so great that we (and just about everything else alive on Earth) would be fucked.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 12 Jun 2010, 21:00, closed)

Sorry about the fever, but....
You've actually been on the cold side for a while now. Those icy patches on your heads and arse aren't meant to be there all the time. They're part of what is called a glacial period. Don't worry, the hot flashes will pass. The bad news is that you will get the chills again and much of your life will die off. Happened before. It'll happen again. Cycle of life yadda yadda.
(mrbuddhafreak, Sun 13 Jun 2010, 20:33, closed)