How to deal with banks
I've written here a few times about my late father, the guy who was the original Captain Placid. He was a highly-trained killing machine, a lover of poetry, a very practical and innovative engineer and a thoroughly nice guy.

Unless, that is, you crossed him. Then he was truly relentless.

In the far off days when everything was done by cheque, all was rosy in the garden of my dad's bank. Being an up-to-date kinda guy, he had allowed the bank to change all of his regular payments to standing orders.

Then the bank went computerised.

Then the letters came in. One from the building society regarding the non-payment of the mortgage, one from the insurance company, one from the savings/assurance policyholders all saying the same thing "blah blah non-payment blah blah further proceedings" etc etc. Now, my dad held his financial probity and reputation as a mark of his own respectability. He always paid on time - ALWAYS and he felt that the bank had severely dented his reputation with people he'd dealt with for years and was 'miffed' to say the least.

He didn't shout or rant. Worse than that, he went quiet, a VERY bad sign for whoever was going to be on the receiving end.

He made an appointment with the bank manager and, as a 'valued customer', he was graciously granted an audience with the head office manager. He took me along (I was 14) to show me "how to deal with these vermin".

The meeting went well with the manager apologising for the 'mistake' and giving assurances that the payments would be made 'immediately'. My dad seemed mollified by this and the manager sat back smugly and asked if there was "anything else he wanted to discuss".

"Well" replied my dad in his best honeyed tones, "I'd like you to explain this statement to me, it's a bit confusing".
The manager explained the codes in the margin, my dad nodding sagely and taking notes until the last entry - a debit with the code 'SC'.
"That's a service charge" said the manager.

"WHAT THE FUCK FOR YOU SNIVELLING SHIT I'VE HAD NO SERVICE, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE" opined daddykins.
"And while I'm at it, you can close the company account (over £2 million turnover - a decent amount in 1974) immediately" handing over a letter from the MD to that effect.

I've never seen a smug bastard blanch so quickly, nor heard such grovelling in my life. Once the terror of seeing my dad angry had worn off he realised that one of the biggest customers of the bank was about to swan off to a competitor because they'd been so blase about a small customer. I'm not sure which terrified him more.

Once the shock had had chance to fully sink in my dad continued.

"Furthermore, unless you personally write to each of these companies explaining that the non-payments were entirely the bank's fault, I will sue YOU for defamation of character and, believe me, I will pursue you to the grave". As I recall the manager actually whimpered.

From that day he had a direct line to the bank's regional director and never paid another service charge.

My dad also told me that the collective noun for bankers was "A wunch". As in "A wunch of bankers".

Still true to this day.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 18:38, 6 replies)

Hah
There's nothing like a half a dozen zeroes on turnover to make banks sit up and listen. And grovel.

Your dad handled it perfectly.
( Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 19:11, closed)

I wager
this will make the newsletter.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 20:06, closed)

Have a click
Just for the collective noun :)

I will be telling my work chums in the morning
(MadBouncyDog Barking at the moon since, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 20:08, closed)

Ha!
This is fucking GREAT!
( SpankyHanky, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 22:54, closed)

A wunch
Lovely story, and I'm going to have to use that collective noun too.
(LittleKitty, Sun 19 Jul 2009, 21:13, closed)

Click!
For .... well, everything really.

Superb.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Mon 20 Jul 2009, 15:54, closed)