Compared to some of the stories on here
... then I haven't gone through as much as many of you, i've been picked on as a kid for being different, had a few scraps but nothing ever serious until one time which in retrospect last 18 months. The only thing is I didn't realise it until these last few months. Sorry for lack of funnehs to follow here...

We'll call her Sarah (not real name). We met nearly 3 years ago and to be honest it was wonderful at first. I'd been single for about 6 months after coming out of my first serious relationship (i was 21/22, she a year younger) and i'd had a bit of fun but meeting her for the first week everything seemed good and i was genuinely happy. This soon changed... it was getting to the point where if i didn't at least call her twice a day and see her every other day then she would kick off, verbally and physically. Bear in mind i was living at home at the time and she lived about 25 miles away, so it was a 50 mile round trip and i was still getting myself out of debt from a bad car purchase.

So we'd go out too, i'd have to buy the drinks, the food and drive, but it was ok, I'm the boyfriend and that's what we do isn't it? Next thing i know is we're living together within 4 months of meeting. We got a place round the corner from her family and friends so she isn't away from them, whereas I am in a town i don't know and have no friends nearby within a 20mile radius either.

I'm having to take time off work to get a 2nd job to earn extra income as she decides to quit her job and go to uni. 2 1/5 days a week. I was also having to drive her to various friends at weekends where i wouldn't see or hear from her for 2 days and if i tried asking then i would get a torrent of abuse. Now I'm a well built lad, nearly 6 foot and i've played rugby most of my life, whereas she was a 5foot2 size 6/8. I've stood up for myself on and off rugby pitch, been in some fights too but with her i was completely paralysed and couldn't do a thing. She would should at me and i couldn't do anything but take it and let her keep chipping away at what little self esteem i had left. Then she would start hitting me, kicking me or if the argument was in the bedroom then she would grab me by my hair and hit my head against the headboard. Then after she'd done that she would grab her things and walk out saying she was leaving me and i'd have to beg her to come back, which she would the following day, with no explanation of where she'd been other than the alcohol on her breath.

So i was feeling physically sore and tired every day, i was getting into trouble with work for my attendance and work inconsistency. I was starting to put on weight too as i had to quit rugby as she didn't like it and as i also didn't have the time. I was spending money on having to take her out, money i didn't have, so i'd then have to take out loans. And she had a part time job and uni loans which she'd spend on drink, shoes, straighteners and if i asked for even as much as £60 per week then i would get the abuse again. She got herself into trouble, financially and bailiffs were threatening to go to her parents, so another loan was taken out, by myself, to pay off her debts. This happened twice which also included me having to get more money somehow. Next thing i knew i had over £6k in debts with loans and credit cards and i was struggling to even pay the interest on these. Birthdays and christmas i'd get vouchers for shops, she would then use them without my knowing or by saying she'd pay me back.

Several occasions i had to be woken up by the police during stupid hours in morning saying she was in hospital and could i go pick her up. I'd get through and be told a story by her of how she'd been spiked by someone and she doesn't remember anything, yet i'd hear her on the phone to her best friend later saying she remembered everything and what she'd done and with whom, but i put it down to the fact she must have been spiked so she had no control?

So this continued to happen for 18 months, my career was going nowhere, i wasn't able to see or visit friends because they either weren't allowed round or i couldn't afford petrol money to see them. I'd be hit, smacked, kicked, shouted at. I was becoming depressed, i couldn't sleep and then when i knew i had some time to myself, i'd break down. One time she saw this and laughed at me telling me i was pathetic.

It doesn't sound like much but to live with someone every day who you thought you loved, and loved you, even though every day you hated coming home from work because you knew how you'd be treated, but it was destroying my soul, my self esteem and my confidence in anything. I was going to the doctor several times a month due to various health issues, which he put down to the way i was living. He even asked about my bruising, which i put down to rugby issues. He didn't buy this so i ended up having to stop going.

Then, 2 days before Christmas day (last year) she left and walked out, expecting me to come after her and i was going to beg her to come back, but one of my friends said no. He'd just gone through the same thing and said i should stand ground. I did this, she came back Christmas eve and i told her to find somewhere else to live and had packed her bag. She tried to hit me then and for the first time in 2 years i stopped it. I grabbed her arm so tight she was almost crying and i threw her out of the house with her bags. I then changed the locks, went inside and i fell to the floor crying.

I rang my parents, told them we'd broken up and then spent the next couple days round at there's and they were probably the happiest days of my life. For the first time i felt like people actually cared about me again.

Then i was back home, living in a house where i had so little money after all my bills and debts had gone out i was left with less than £30 a month. This doesn't even include petrol for my car or even food/shopping to live with, my parents then started to help out by buying my shopping each week. But i was, and still am living in a house in an area where i have no friends. She'd try coming round banging on door screaming and shouting, or call me at 3 in the morning telling me she missed me or asking if i was alone before going off on another tirade. I was struggling to cope as i didn't know what to do with myself and then my friend whom i mentioned earlier, who had been through the same as me, he hanged himself. Everything began to feel black to me again, however with the help of a new boss at work he began to help me get myself sorted.

Life is better now, i've got my career back on track with promotion involved too, i've started sports again and seeing friends too. I'm still struggling with severe debt and living in a house i don't want (and can't afford to leave/sell) but I'm getting back on track again. Met someone recently and it wasn't until talking to her i realised how broken i'd become, and she helped me to build my self esteem back up - unfortunately she had to move away, which although hurt but because of the time i'd spent with her she'd made me stronger in a quick space of time and so i can cope.

I'm starting to pay my debts off bit by bit (down from £6k - 5k now!) and from what i've heard my ex is struggling completely. she hasn't tried to get in touch with me since i dropped all her rubbish off at her parents (well, the bits which I'm not ebaying at least!). Her parents are great people and have been the victim of this same abuse as i have, but now I'm away i can see that she is a bully and will not get anywhere in life, which is a shame as her parents would still want me round for dinner and ask me to explain the lies my ex was telling about me, and they believed me too, but family is always first.

I'm still on the mend but life is starting to look a bit better. I do get lonely at times but thanks to support from some true friends and awful as it may sound my friend who hanged himself, he taught me a lesson by doing it, making me realise that life is not so harsh that it can't go on, that there are folk out there who care and will help. I am still insecure but it's certainly given me an experience in life i've learnt from.

Sorry for going on, although i've spoken to friends i've never said as much as i have done now, and having been a b3tar for some time i've seen how others have been able to find some strength by writing out their pain and anguish and i do feel a bit better for letting it all out here :-)
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Tue 19 May 2009, 18:59, 9 replies)

Wow...
I don't really know what to say!

Well done for getting through this and getting your life back on track, you're really brave!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 19 May 2009, 19:37, closed)

This sounds a lot like
what happened to a friend of mine. I'll not tell his story as he's a b3tan and it's not mine to tell, so he can if he wants to. Good on you for getting away from her!
( Maladicta, Tue 19 May 2009, 20:37, closed)

good man yourself!
have a pint.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Tue 19 May 2009, 22:22, closed)

Don't belittle yourself
I have been in a similar - but not as bad - situation myself. I'm glad you got out of it, and that you are on your way to getting better, and also that we can help by lending an ear. I'd like to buy you a pint should I get the chance.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Tue 19 May 2009, 23:30, closed)

ditto ^
Though my saving grace was that I resisted his demands that I move in with him - best decision ever.
(xanthine, Wed 20 May 2009, 5:22, closed)

Christ, I though I got it bad...
I started out reading this story and being reminded of my first serious relationship - she was a pathological bully as well but it seems she was a fucking saint compared to the mill you were put through (mine certainly never got to physical abuse).

I sympathise particularly with your point that it was only after she was gone that you realised what a foul person she was - it's always hard, when you get into a relationship like that, to admit to yourself that the little angel you fell in love with is just abusing you.

I'm very glad to hear that things are picking up, and I do hope you find another lady-friend soon to help the healing process (from my experience, nothing fixes your self-esteem faster in this situation). Good luck, and thanks for sharing with us.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 20 May 2009, 10:36, closed)

hi
I have had the same, but sorry didn't last as long as you. Got her mad arse out of the place asap. Never look back, its not worth it, be positive and look to the future. Good Luck
(Sid, Wed 20 May 2009, 13:47, closed)

Thanks everyone
I really appreciate your comments and support. It's amazing how much it has made me feel better about the situation and I'd just like to say thanks to you all. As for a drink should there be a noth west b3ta bash then it'd be great to meet my fellows for a drink.
However it's been great to see you say i did make the right decision in the end.
However forgot to mention i was also helped through this time by... Merlin, my kitteh that thinks he's a dog :)
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Wed 20 May 2009, 18:34, closed)

As the others have said
not really sure what to say, but glad you made it through. I'm sorry to hear your friend did not make it. As well as being a survivor, you're also carrying on the spirit of a friend who didn't survive.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 21 May 2009, 2:17, closed)