National Express to Liverpool
Got to love those scousers. Not sure if this was actually a con or not, but it was funny...

In the heady days of early teenhood, a female acquaintance and I headed up to Liverpool from London on the National Express to go and see her brother, who was living in dope-filled student digs near the hospital.

We bought an open return, intending to spend a few days up there getting slaughtered then coming home again.

The bus was packed with chirpy Scouse types, and it was quite a fun journey all in all.

Anyway, about 5 miles before the Mersey Tunnel, the conductor came round collecting tickets, and proceeded to tear both the outward and the return ticket from our booklet.

I thought it odd at the time, but being 18 and stoned said nothing.

He carried on and near the front of the bus he did the same to an old bearded man, who at first just looked confused.

Then once the conductor had stopped, this old fella yells out "he's on the fiddle!".

Everyone ignores him, he looks as though he's been sleeping in a puddle of piss, and with the thick scouse accent combined with the amplitude of voice, he had mental health issues written all over him.

So the conductor walks up to him asking what his problem is, and he just repeats his accusation, then starts peppering his sentences with various profanities.

It doesn't take long before the professional National Express employee takes umbrage to this, and tells the old man to shut up and stop being a twat.

Suddenly the old chap gets up and punches the conductor straight in the mouth, really hard, and a scene from a wild west movie began.

The driver was doing about 80mph and looking out for his mate who was not doing too badly, but the fight was fairly even, as the old man was pretty big and clearly knew how to box.

The bus was swerving, these to pugilists were rolling around from one end of the bus to the other, old ladies were screaming, I and my lady friend were trying not to laugh.

In the end another passenger gets involved and they eventually manage to pin this old dude to the ground, all the while he's yelling about having his return ticket stolen.

I look at my empty booklet and it dawns on me that he's actually right.

The cops arrive as the bus is literally in the mouth of the Mersey Tunnel, drag the old guy off the bus and chuck him in a meatwagon.

The conductor is in a bit of a state, couple of teeth missing and certainly a fresh selection of facial bruises which would undoubtedly be turning purple before the weekend was through, he climbs back on the bus to a round of applause from the hitherto screaming old ladies.

"Welcome to Liverpool" he says with a gappy smile.

Everyone laughs, and we carry on our merry way.

Had a great weekend, clubbing and pubbing, (this was the early days of the indie-rave scene, Stone Roses and Happy Mondays, so everyone was out getting wrecked and having a good time) and when it came for us to head home, we went to the National Express portacabin to explain our ticket situation.

They issued a replacement return wiithout any question whatsoever, which leads me to believe this was a common scam, re-selling return tickets to London and re-issuing replacements.

I often wonder what became of the old guy, becauuse essentially he was right, the conductor was on the fiddle...
(randomkaraoke is seeking mong-wobble-gif mongering on, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 10:10, 3 replies)

You're trying to con us!
The National Express dopesn't go through the Mersey Tunnel, it goes along the M62 into Liverpool...
(ScousersPet, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 10:32, closed)

It did go through the Mersey Tunnel back in 1990 or whenever it was!
I should know, I was there!!
(randomkaraoke is seeking mong-wobble-gif mongering on, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 22:44, closed)

ScousersPet is completely wrong
The NX550 between London and Newcastle via Liverpool goes through Birkenhead and then the Mersey tunnel, so show's what (s)he knows.

No I don't work for them, I just happened to get that coach last week (and my office is next to the bus stop in Birkenhead).

That used to be a common fiddle - that's why National Express don't issue traditional tickets any more - passengers get an A4 printout of their journey details (identical to the e-ticket that you get if you book online) which the driver/conductor just stamps instead of collecting.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sun 21 Oct 2007, 21:25, closed)