Catwalk
In my 3 years of living in America I have had about 9 jobs, because I am generally useless and like to take spontaneous trips to the desert and have 30 hour lock in band practices.
My favoritest job is ironically the one with the most customers from hell.

A job that allowed me to work when I want and how I wanted to.
A job that has openings in any city across the US.
A job that was always hiring, even for one night.
A job that happily allows you to take days, weeks, months off and always lets you return at exactly the same position and pay rate.
A job where you are happily allowed to drink up to five adult beverages a night.

Yes, it is...stripping! What better way for an underqualified over-sexed Brit to earn wads of tax free cash whilst continuing to be fundamentally lazy, rude and drunk. Mmmmm yes this is indeed the dream job. And none of this crap about stripping victimising women. If anything -I- was victimising the customers...maintaining the illusion of the possibility, even eventuality, of sex until they were out of cash and their credit cards were maxed out.

So here is a handy pull out guide to the worst/funniest/mentalest strip club customers, and some dos and donts for you b3tans who frequent these dens of inequity.

1. Mr. "I don't really need to be at a strip club because when I'm in the real world, girls' clothes fall off at the mere sight of me".

Some men have this attitude because they are insecure, and some have it to try and score a free lapdance or justify not tipping. Whatever it is, you can fuck right off back to this imaginary world where hot girls rub their meat flaps in your face for free.


2. The Retard.
WHY THE FUCK the otherwise lovely staff let Down's Joe in every afternoon is beyond me. He makes all the dancers feel totally weird, and only tips a dollar an hour. I guess the bouncers feel sorry for him but it is just cunting wrong! I am usually the only girl that will get on stage and dance for him because I feel sorry that the other dancers ignore him except for the day he gets his disability payment and buys 2 lapdances. For I refuse to give him lapdances...I have to draw the line somewhere. I will gladly dance on a 300lbs trucker who is only wearing thin nylon shorts, but a grinning, drooling spaker who regularly calls me his best friend...I have to decline.

Plus the DJ indulges him when he is the only customer (during the 4pm-6pm dead period) and plays Joe's very own Monkees CD on repeat.

Imagine the Forrest Gump take off parodied in Tropic Thunder and add a hard on.


3. Customers who harp on that I'm too pretty/too smart/too educated/too British to be doing this. Stop asking why I do this and getting all pseudo-freudian on me. I DO IT FOR THE MONEY YOU MORON.


4. Men who try and get real into it when I give a lapdance. The ones who moan loudly and grind back into my crotch. You just look stupid. It's not flattering, I just care if you like it enough to give me money at the end. Actually, I don't even care if it was the most unsexual, crashingly boring experience of your life and I farted in your face, the bouncer sitting 5 feet away will make you pay me anyway.

My favorite lapdance customers (apart from the Yale literature professor who quotes Tolstoy and Amis) are the ones who sit nicely with their hands by their sides and say nothing for the entire dance, then ask for 5 more. There's one really nice Spanish guy called Angel who does this. He sits on a chair away from the stage all night, ignoring all dancers attempts to hook him into getting a dance, and at half an hour til close spends $300 getting lap dances from me. Doesn't say a word or try to touch me the whole time. Brill!

That leads me onto
5. Lap dance recipients who try and touch.
I understand that it's frustrating having a naked girl grind on your clothed dick, rub her tits and pussy in your face and not be able to feel her up. But that's tough shit. It's not as if this is unexpected, there's signs all over the lapdance area.

You REALLY want to touch? Then pay $400 for 15 minutes in the VIP area where I will let you touch my boob flesh (not the nipple) and my legs and thighs. You will then also have the added pleasure of being watched closely by a 300lbs gorilla who will snap your hard-on in two if you are naughty and touch me somewhere bad.


6. Mr Stinky.
Shower before visiting our humble establishment and you will be approached by the hot dancers and not only the one who has 'thug passion' tattooed on her back, 7 kids and a crack problem.


7. Yes my tits are real, as real as my affection for you.*


8. Men who ask me out on dates. No. Just no. And don't act surprised when I say no. The sole reason I am acting like I'm into you is to get your money out of your wallet and into my garter. Do you ask your mechanic if he'd like to go for a long drive with you this week end? Hm?


9. Customers who ask to fuck me.
If I did that I'd be working for a top escort agency and be earning a lot more. Go ask the ugly girls.


That's it for now, I'll add more when I think of it, and if you click. Go on, I DO think you're hot and you ARE making me wet.


*my tits are real, this remark is courtesy of another stripper I know.
(little fawn, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 17:48, 8 replies)

$400 for 15 minutes?!
Wouldn't a hooker be cheaper?
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 18:16, closed)

exactly!
There in lies the mystery. The men who pay for this in my opinion either have money to burn, or subconciously want to get a hooker but can't quite get over the moral implications of it so take the more socially acceptable route of strip clubs, then harrass the girls for sex.

$400 for 15 minutes in the VIP is on the high end of things, think Scores compared with Billy Bob's Tit Shack. It also helps that when I'm dancing I can choose my own rates for VIP.
(little fawn, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 18:22, closed)

I love this!
A sense a few deflated egos out there, however ...
(Raelene, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 15:52, closed)

A stripper you say?
I'm afraid I don't believe you.
I demand photographic/video proof
sorry it's the only way
(Freddles, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 11:27, closed)

mmm yeah right!
I'll let you know when I start a pay cam site.

I used to have a picture on my profile but took it down after I posted this in case anyone I would rather not know about my highly lucrative but somewhat secret profession is on b3ta. It was at legoland, I had tiger facepaint and no I wasn't naked.
(little fawn, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 18:15, closed)

I've never been a fan of strip clubs...
If you're going to spend that much money in a night out, you may as well try your luck in a regular club or bar. Chances are, you'll pull some of the time and you never know, it might even be because the girl/boy actually fancies you.

Anyway, www.archive.org has a long memory... tiger facepaint really suits you!
( chart cat has an itch, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 19:39, closed)

bollocks...

(little fawn, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 19:58, closed)

Haha, I like this post.
*Click* for good writing and spot-on commentary!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 20:01, closed)