Do you ever wonder why your Council Tax is so high?
Not too long ago I worked for a Borough Council in London which I won't name. Through one career accident after another, I ended up being first the complaints officer for the Chief Executive's department, then resonsible for investigating all complaints that had become such a mess that the Chief Executive got involved (so-called "Stage 3" complaints) and writing to the complainant on the CE's behalf, to being the go-to guy for the Ombudsman, to being in charge of implementing a new IT system for complaints handling, to being in charge of the entire complaints policy for the entire Council.

So, basically, there's not much I don't know about complaining to Councils.

Let me tell you right now that complaint handling in local councils is excruciating, from the Council's point of view. Every complaint, no matter how trivial, must be investigated in full, and a full trail of paperwork kept, anything up to 3 times, and if it isn't resolved the third time around it goes to the Ombudsman, and you environmentalists out there really don't want to know how much paper that consumes.

But what's the problem? Isn't it good that we investigate all complaints properly?

No. Because 90% of complaints to councils come from twats and have no basis in reality. Maybe 5% of complaints are actually justified, the other 5% are worth asking but not actually the Council's fault, the rest come from one of the various species of subhumans outlined below:

**Twat #1: The Outraged Planning Appellant.**

Easily 50% of the complaints I dealt with had to do with planning, and they were all the same. Basically, if a decision by the planning committee doesn't go your way, and neither does the appeal, the only way you can get the decision reversed is by proving the Council didn't carry out the planning process properly in some way.

So that's what everyone, and I mean everyone, does. Some of the "errors" allegedly committed by the Council include:

* "Deliberately" posting planning notices to someone when they were on holiday (wtf? If we knew enough about you to know when you went out on holiday, we'd rub you the fuck out before you ever had a chance to bother us - we have binmen you know, so we know a thing or two about disposing of rubbish).

* Posting planning notices in too small a font for someone to read (the typeface is set by law, btw.)

* A complaint that our head of Planning had "waggled his finger" at an applicant thus clearly demonstrating bias. This nearly went to the Ombudsman, and I had to inform the complainant that the officer concerned had been "warned about his behaviour", which consisted of me phoning him up and both of us trying unsuccessfully not to giggle while I told him not to waggle his finger at residents ever again.

**Twat #2 - "I am the center of the universe"**

Some people are under the impression that the Council exists only to serve them and them alone. Practicality, legality and budget mean nothing, the Council *must* accede to their demands or they'll "Go to the Press, and the Ombudsman" (oooh, we're scared.)

* The woman who wanted a tree in someone else's garden cut down because the shade it created meant her roses weren't growing very well. The "offending tree" was four doors down.

* The woman who complained that our binmen were "handling her recycling box roughly" when they emptied it. It's our box, not yours, twatface, and we'll handle it how we like. If we break it, we'll replace it, so shut the fuck up.

* The man, who ended up going to the Ombudsman, who demanded that we make a compulsory purchase of the house next door (which would have cost easily a million quid) because its delapidated state was "lowering the tone of the road". I actually went to look at this house, and all I can say is that if that place was "delapidated", he's clearly never lived in the West Midlands.

**Twat #3: "I know my rights"**

* One man, on getting a perfectly legitimate ticket for driving in a bus lane, decided that he would wage war on the Council for something that was basically caused by his own stupidity. He demanded, through the Freedom of Information act, just about every statistic that existed about bus lane and parking fines, including whether any Council employees had been fined. When we refused the latter (due to that other "I know my rights" chestnut, the Data Protection Act), he went bezerk, submitting FoI requests demanding:

- The wages paid to every Council employee, month-by-month, for the last ten years
- The holiday destinations of all the Directors of the Council for the last five years "to see how deep the rot goes"
- A copy of the Council Tax bill of every Council Employee who lived in the borough "to see if they are different"

When we refused, he complained and sent in another batch of ludicrous FoI requests (including a copy of my employment contract, amongst other things). When we rejected his complaint he complained about that and made an abusive phone call to the Chief Executive's secretary. When we banned him from contacting us without a lawyer present he complained about that, when we refused to speak to him again he went to the Ombudsman.

Who told him, basically, to fuck off.

That whole process must have cost the Council tens of thousands of pounds. If you're reading this, you cunt, you know who you are. I know where you live, and what you do for a living, and the registration number of your car. I don't work for the Council any more, and I will be free, if I see you in the street, to tell you, in front of everyone, just the sort of cunt you are.

**Twat #4: "If I complain you can't touch me!"**

* One enterprising chap, who was about to have all his stuff taken away by bailiffs for not paying his Council Tax, wrote to me say that he was going to make a complaint about the bailiffs at some undetermined point in the future. Therefore, it would be some kind of breach of his rights if the bailiffs took his stuff while there was a complaint outstanding (which there wasn't, nor was there any indication of where there might be). Basically, he was asking us not to take his stuff until he said we could. Nice try, toilet-features.

**Twat #5: Total Lunatics**

What do sad, lonely, deranged or psychotic individuals do all day? They write letters to the Council complaining about whatever random insanity happens to be occuping their hallucinations at the time. Unlike most organisations, we can't just fling these in the bin, we have to investigate and reply to them *all*. How would you reply to some of these?

* The individual who wrote to us about speed humps, claiming that his life was in danger from Council "assassins" if he complained about them other than anonymously. This letter was written in purple crayon, in capital letters, with a full stop in between each word. (answer: because there was no return address, we classified it as a "comment").

* The woman who complained that the telephone mast on top of a Council-owned building was "projecting psionic radiation" that was interfering with her crystal healing business and giving her headaches - she said she could "feel the rays pumping into her mind." (Answer: a quick call to facilities revealed that the mast had been switched off for three years after the Council lost the contract with the phone company. I wrote her a letter explaining this and suggesting she see a doctor for her headaches).

* The old woman who was obsessed with regulations to do with graveyards and phoned up random Council officers ranting about death and God and hyperventilating, for anything up to two hours at a time. She called me a few times, quoting the bible at me and calling me, within the space of five minutes "an angel sent from heaven" and "an agent of satan." This went on for ELEVEN YEARS. (Answer, we called our Social Services people, saying we were "concerned for her health". They ended up having her sectioned.)

* A woman who sent in a letter claiming the Council was sending trolls to bump into her shopping trolley in Morrisons. She also appeared to think she was Gollum from the Lord of the Rings. (Answer: as the letter was addressed to the Leader of the Council, I classified it as a "question to a councillor" and forwarded it to his office. His secretary never spoke to me again.)

This all might be funny, but we worked out that a complaint that went all the way to the Ombudsman cost the taxpayer in excess of £25,000 in staff wages, lost work and not to mention piles of fucking paper. So, on behalf of taxpayers everywhere, may I present to you this handy flowchart for making a complaint to the Council:

1 Do you have a complaint?

if yes, go to 2. If no, wrong flowchart, moron.

2 Are you a twunt?

if yes, hammer a nail into your face and go to 1. If no, go to 3

3 - Write to us, nicely. We'll probably be able to put things right for you.


The moral? Don't fuck with the Council. We can paint double-yellow lines on your ass, then recycle it.
(Axeman Jim, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 17:58, 14 replies)

I know your pain...
I'm a planner, and at my last place of employment, complaints about my conduct (which generally consisted of me having the temerity to refuse someone's god awful development) were frequent. Ombudsman always told them to fuck off though.
(grandmaswhiskers, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 18:27, closed)

wow
thats an epic and most of the points are clickable individually so have a whole complaint bag of clicks!
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 19:26, closed)

This
is a true work of Art.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 19:31, closed)

we have a winner...
damn. while i'd say it's a crying shame to waste so many tax dollars, they're not mine, because i live in canada. so, mwahahahahaha. that post was friggin brilliant. if it doesn't win this week, i demand a recount. (paid for by council, of course).
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 19:46, closed)

Ah yes
I wish I could click lots of times ...
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Fri 5 Sep 2008, 20:33, closed)

It's always useful to get some knowledge of the other side of the equation
Yes, I sometimes have to complain but I forget the people I'm complainaing at are probably gunshy after the torrent of tossers that have pre-booked a dollop of lunacy in a steaming pile on your doorstep of work.

Well done for exacting justice (and not revenge) on those who deserve it, even i they don't realise it....
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 5 Sep 2008, 20:58, closed)

leader of the council
I actually laughed out loud at that one...woke my brother up. worth it though
(europe-who, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 0:00, closed)

Thanks guys,
@ RWH - if you have a genuine problem with the Council, and Councils do fuck up on a fairly regular basis, my advice to you is as follows:

1 - don't be a wanker. State what happened (the more of the paperwork and logs of phone call etc. the better) without (I cannot emphasise this enough) being a cunt. Say exactly what the Council did wrong, and (far more importantly):

**what you want them to do about it**

Many are the times when I got a complaint and my response was "so what do you want us to do about it?". If you say "I spent £10 on phone calls and I think messing about to sort your mess out should be worth at least £100 of my time and hassle" that gives whoever is looking at your letter a means of getting it off their desk and out of the system whilst knowing you'll be satisfied, and that's gold-dust to a harassed Council desk-jockey.

2 - be persistent - The first person you talk to might be a wanker, but you have a legal right to escalate your complaint to whoever is next up in the tree. Make it clear you want to take the complaint to Stage 2 (or 3). If the Council obfuscates, go talk to the Ombudsman (www.lgo.org.uk) - these people don't fuck about, and Councils are terrified of them.

3 - learn to accept defeat - if the Council just happens to clearly be in the right, we don't blame you, some of this stuff is complicated and governed by the most byzantine legislation known to man. Just don't drag the complaint to the Ombudsman just to cause the council trouble - we can deal with your paperwork all fucking day, we just pass on the cost to Joe Taxpayer, so that's who you are really fucking over by grinding your axe - remember that.
(Axeman Jim, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 0:07, closed)

His secretary never spoke to me again.
Great post but that ^ won it for me.
*clicks*
(thereisnopoons until, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 1:38, closed)

When the nutter is right
A friend works in a council department, and comes across all these kinds of complaints all the time. The stories are the same, but they've been much quicker to ban the idiots from contacting council staff.

But on one occassion, this friend was gutted, because a renowned nutter had stumbled across a genuine problem, using FoI legislation. Basically, a badly drafted contract years ago meant that they had to let a developer develop some land that had been granted to the council by a charity, without getting a share of the profits.

Obviously, everyone in the council was mortified, but the fact that the query came from a nutter meant that it was quite easily 'forgotten about' by the council. Not even dealt with in a no-blame way.

So it's not just the monetary costs of these fools which is a problem, but the fact that they *can* make a smokescreen for real issues and prevent councils being held properly to account (which is after all what FoI was about).

Length - dealt with within the statutory twenty days
(cheesehead, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 10:08, closed)

This is a masterpiece
Not only do you write with the kind of acerbic wit that makes me fart with laughter, but you also make some good points in the process.

*CLICK*
( chart cat has an itch, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 15:57, closed)

The moral? Don't fuck with the Council. We can paint double-yellow lines on your ass, then recycle it.
Simply brilliant. *clicks*
( Captain V, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 22:29, closed)

I worked in complaints for a while

But in financial services. We had a good relationship with the Ombudsman and they came and presented to us once. Their offices are in West Ham and the guy told us they've adopted an old West Ham football chant as their motto:

"Nobody likes us; we don't care!"

Happy days.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 10:46, closed)

a work of towering genius
i think clearly the moral is dont fuck with the axman...

"I don't work for the Council any more, and I will be free, if I see you in the street, to tell you, in front of everyone, just the sort of cunt you are."
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 9:37, closed)