useful feminine devices
The ages of 13 to 16 are a bit of a blur to me as I was smoking round about an 8th of skunk every two days or so, whilst attending one of the most sloaney private schools in the country and generally fucking things up.

My greatest achievement however, before I was packed off to boarding school for 6th form, was creating the Incredible Tampon Inserter for my final project in GCSE DT.

DT was one of my favourite classes cause I could sneak off, have a few spliffs and then spend a relaxing double lesson sanding random bits of wood I found and painting them pink. However my safe, balsa wood smelling haven was soon to be disrupted.

A few months before our DT exam we got a new teacher called Mrs. Angel who was a complete and utter cunt, and made it her mission to whip me into shape and force me to get an A so she would look good. I complied, by copying out IKEA instruction manuals and pretending I was going to make a bookshelf for my practical exam.

The day came, and honestly, I did think I was going to attempt to make a bookshelf! A shit one, I suspected, but a bookshelf none the less. However this was not to be. That morning I met up with some mates from the adjoining boys school and smoked some extremely powerful skunk, plus a huge hash blunt that turned out to have had a large percentage of opium in it.

I turned up to the four hour exam stoned out of my tiny head and starting to hallucinate a little bit. I felt great! I was gonna make the best fucking bookshelf the invigilator had ever seen.
Alas, I spent 2 hours doing what I had always done in lessons, and just sat there sanding a big block of wood (bout the same size and shape as four bricks), so one of the sides was slightly curved.

The half way point arrived and I finally noticed my teacher staring at me with an unprecedented look of fury in her face. I looked at what I had created and decided I must make SOMETHING, if not a bookshelf.

So, for the remaining two hours I attached (with duct tape, no wood glue for me, oh no) six, 4" by 2" posts to the top of the block of wood, all in a row. I then preceded to paint the base pink, and the posts red. It was a work of art, I just had to decide what it was. Then a stroke of genius came and I started silently laughing so hard that I almost cracked a rib.

The end of the exam came, and the invigilator man walked around asking everyone what they had made and looking at their plans etc. He came to me. "So young lady, this doesn't look like the bookshelf in your designs...."

"No. This just appeared in my mind and I had to make it Sir. My brain had no control over my hands, I think I was possessed with the spirit of Jesus, he was a carpenter too wasn't he?"

"Erm.......Ok...So what is this?"

"It's a tampon inserter"

"................"

"You balance a tampon on top of each little peg, then you sit on it and the tampon goes right in, easy!" "I painted the pegs red so it's harder to see the mess if your having a heavy flow day"

Cue the invigilator trying hard not to burst out laughing, and my teacher running over, grabbing my invention and shouting "GO TO MY OFFICE...NOW!!!".

I had never been in that much trouble, ever. Not even when I habitually wore a garter belt and stockings to netball lessons. Still, the only thing that was a disaster in my mind is that they confiscated the tampon inserter and I never got it back!!!


Apologies for width, I always had to use super plus tampax.
(little fawn, Fri 4 Apr 2008, 22:43, 10 replies)

you have six cunts?
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 4 Apr 2008, 22:54, closed)

haha
I'd have liked to have been a fly on the wall that day, sounds like fun. I of course see the logic in the 6 banger since you could line up the cotton ponies on day 1 and not have to mess about refilling them but a couple of times during your messy week. perfect logic.

The one thing you neglected to mention is what sort of marks did you get for your invention? I bet you'd have gotten high marks if you'd demoed it for the chap!
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Sat 5 Apr 2008, 2:35, closed)

...
I got an E!
Which I was actually quite pleased with considering I could have gotten a U.

Plus E, of course, stands for Excellent. Result!
(little fawn, Sat 5 Apr 2008, 3:18, closed)

Yay for posh drug abusers!
Drugs and tools do not mix, as I have set myself on fire, fallen off a scaffold, stabbed myself and stabbed a workmate, being absolutely twatted at the time.

Edit, not in the same day you understand.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Sat 5 Apr 2008, 9:30, closed)

*click click click*
You should have got an A* for that - I didn't do D&T but the mental girl in my year at school (Boring Sarah - Catholic, friendless and potential lesbian) made a Cat Entertainment Centre for hers. It was lame.
( Maladicta, Sat 5 Apr 2008, 17:32, closed)

lol
was it cool or just a bit rubbish like cats are generally?

i just thought, i should have attached a dildo to mine and called it a Pussy Entertainment Centre
(little fawn, Sun 6 Apr 2008, 0:34, closed)

This is quite literally
The best story I've ever read. Ever
(Balue Free From Tetanus, Sun 6 Apr 2008, 14:17, closed)

It was cool, had one of those dangly mice and everything.
But it was just lame because she'd made it, and dragged me down to the workshop to see it because I was the only person she knew who liked cats.

I like your idea, but would you really think inserting a tampon is pussy entertainment?
( Maladicta, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 18:06, closed)

i dunno...
it's quite exciting sometimes inserting a super plus one on the last day of your period when you really only need a lite dayz.

oh god i'm horrible.
(little fawn, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 22:04, closed)

This one has to win!
I can't believe I haven't read this 'til now...

*clicketty-click*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 10 Apr 2008, 13:30, closed)