When
my sisters and I were but slips of children we would regularly have to spend hours crammed into the back of my fathers latest crappy vehicular purchase on our way to visit our grandparents in South Wales or, if were especially lucky, to go on holiday to Aberwystwyth (bear with the spelling I'm slightly drunk).

Anyhoo, my middle sister would sit next to the window and stare out, whilst childishly humming and (probably) blowing bubbles. She was 4 see? One long afternoon from North Yorkshire to South Wales she spotted the recently pasted remains of a hedgehog that had come second in a contretemps with a car.

"What is that Daddy?" she piped up. My father took a drag on his cigarette and began explaining that the squished remains you see on roads are actually the splattered remains of lobsters. She was afraid of Lobsters you see?

As far as I can remember, he explained how lobsters when they were young lived free high in the atmosphere, swooping, diving, and generally having a great lobstery time. However, when they grew older they had to return to the sea and so had to make themselves parachutes to gently float down. Most made it but some, unfortunately, got blown off course and hit roads - becoming the puddle of blood and gore that she could see.

This started an 8 year paranoia for my sister. Hating lobsters she was continually afraid that one would parachute down on her. My father helped her by screaming that a lobster was above her when she was annoying him (about 3 times a week if I remember) and she would run crying to shelter.

I'm sure that faking a species of aero-lobsters to gain some measure of control over an unruly child is covered by this question, and you'll be pleased to note that I believe that at least part of my sisters subsequent psychological problems is down to having been prone to 'parachuting lobster' fear whenever she pissed the Old Man off.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 3:35, 5 replies)

*makes notes*
Your father is a genius. Will have to remember this just in case I ever get it in to my head to reproduce
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 9:11, closed)

What can I say!
Utter utter genius! I'm going to be randomly tittering (ooer mrs etc) all day.

Thanks, you've cheered me up no end!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 9:44, closed)

i love your dad
in a purely platonic way, of course ;)
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 18:38, closed)

*click*
very, very funny.
(Boar is dreaming of get rich quick schemes..., Mon 14 Jul 2008, 2:13, closed)

And this, ladies and gentlemen
Is how so many of the psycho women so often referenced in other posts on this forum are made.
(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 1:22, closed)