My Dad
Looking back my father was full of crap which he'd instill into me and my siblings.
Most of his outbursts were either painfully bad jokes (which he would find hilarious) or really strange phrases, some of them I'll never forget.

*ahem*

"The Elephant is a pretty bird, it flits from bough to bough. It makes its nest in rhubarb trees and it whistles like a cow."

"One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead men got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other."

He would repeat these nuggets at the strangest of times, mostly to the amusement of my younger sister.

He would also threaten that I would be sleeping in the shed (he wouldn’t ever be angry when he said this, it would always be out of jest).

Best of all though, and something that he used to do a lot (which I now do CONSTANTLY) is that, whenever you have a guest round for dinner, wait for them to say something along the lines of “Thank you, that was lovely.” then you HAVE to reply with “And at 10 pounds a head it’s not bad either.”

Touching briefly on the bad jokes bit again, he would often tell his jokes with a German accent. He was a fan of allo’ allo! so you can imagine what he sounded like. -_-

My Dad was and still is ace.
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 5:22, 13 replies)

I heard that one too..!
One fine morning, in the middle of the night
Two dumb boys got up to fight

Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other

One was Blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee

A blindman went see to fair play
A dumb man went to shout Hooray

A deaf policeman who heard the noise
Came and arrested those two dumb boys

If you don't believe this story is true
Ask the blind man he saw it too.

********************

Apparently there are more verses out there, and looks like I was the only one to have heard it as "Dumb Boys" and not "Dead Boys"
(Sir Jester, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 6:57, closed)

I heard a similar one from my mum
I went to the pictures tomorrow
and took a front seat at the back
I fell from the pit to the gallery
and broke a front bone in my back
I went around a straight crooked corner
to see a dead donkey die
I took out my pistol to stab it
and it kicked me right in the eye!
( Vambo, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 13:06, closed)

graceful.
I know it as "the elephant is a graceful bird" etc.

there's always this one..

On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
and the monkeys all say BOO!
There's a Nong Nang Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots jibber jabber joo.
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the mice go Clang
And you just can't catch 'em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning
Trees go ping
Nong Ning Nang
The mice go Clang
What a noisy place to belong
is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!!
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 14:33, closed)

Spike Milligan!
My brother and I have that album (vinyl, mind) still somewhere.

Aahh, memories.....
(Spreddum O Grrrr. That's my vicious circle, that is., Wed 26 Nov 2008, 3:51, closed)

Clearly a man of impeccable culture and class.
It took me years to figure out why my Dad found these things so funny, until I unearthed his dusty old Spike Milligan and Monty Python books, complete with his own annotations.
(Edktstsss, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 7:36, closed)

Monty Python
Oh lord my Dad would brainwash us with that wonderous cinema aswell.

My little sister (now 19) can still remember most of Holy Grail line for line.

The black knight always triumphs!

It never gets old.

:F
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 8:26, closed)

Bough
Not bow. Unless it's a really surreal pome.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 9:07, closed)

Got me with your advanced English.
Fixed*
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 9:31, closed)

I made the Interwebs a little bit betterer!
And you didn't even call me a spelling Nazi.

/beams
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 9:42, closed)

spelling nazi
:D
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 10:07, closed)

I know it as.....
The sausage is a cunning bird
with feathers long and wavy
it swims around the frying pan
and makes its nest in gravy
( Peej, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 14:38, closed)

reminds me of a guy at school
who would say, with irritating frequency, "I see, said the blind man to the deaf man as they stood in the corner of the round room"
(MrChimp previously Monsieur, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 17:40, closed)

How do you confuse an irishman?
Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner.
or
Put a shovel and a spade in the corner and tell him to take his pick.

Both are my old man's I assure you.
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 1:15, closed)