1994
It all started when our protagonist, Rob Manuel, woke up in a thicket. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling very concerned, Rob Manuel stroked a paper clip, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few minutes later, he realized that his beloved rape whistle was missing! Immediately he called his sworn enemy, your mum. Rob Manuel had known your mum for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were electric ones. your mum was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... stupid. Rob Manuel called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

your mum picked up to a very unctuous Rob Manuel. your mum calmly assured him that most beavers yawn before mating, yet capybaras usually charismatically yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Rob Manuel. Why was your mum trying to distract Rob Manuel? Because she had snuck out from Rob Manuel's with the rape whistle only four days prior. It was a exotic little rape whistle... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Rob Manuel got back to the subject at hand: his rape whistle. your mum belched. Relunctantly, your mum invited him over, assuring him they'd find the rape whistle. Rob Manuel grabbed his microwave and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, your mum realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the rape whistle and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if Rob Manuel took the ricer, she had take at least five minutes before Rob Manuel would get there. But if he took the Morris Minor? Then your mum would be abnormally screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, your mum was interrupted by eight oafish bloodhounds that were lured by her rape whistle. your mum sneezed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling displeased, she aggressively reached for her mitten and carefully deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Morris Minor rolling up. It was Rob Manuel.

---

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of salt shakers, so he knew he was running late. With a apt leap, Rob Manuel was out of the Morris Minor and went surreptitiously jaunting toward your mum's front door. Meanwhile inside, your mum was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the rape whistle into a box of salt shakers and then slid the box behind her ironing board. your mum was angered but at least the rape whistle was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' your mum scandalously purred. With a heroic push, Rob Manuel opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish idiot in a Geo Metro,' he lied. 'It's fine,' your mum assured him. Rob Manuel took a seat proximate to where your mum had hidden the rape whistle. your mum belched trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Rob Manuel was distracted. Rather abruptly, your mum noticed a dimwitted look on Rob Manuel's face. Rob Manuel slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

your mum felt a stabbing pain in her foot when Rob Manuel asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the rape whistle right by her oscillating fanny. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Rob Manuel's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's staplers from when she used to have pet otters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Rob Manuel nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before your mum could react, Rob Manuel fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The rape whistle was plainly in view.

Rob Manuel stared at your mum for what what must've been five seconds. Unexpectedly, your mum groped explosively in Rob Manuel's direction, clearly desperate. Rob Manuel grabbed the rape whistle and bolted for the door. It was locked. your mum let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Rob Manuel,' she rebuked. your mum always had been a little selfish, so Rob Manuel knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before your mum did something crazy, like... start chucking mittens at her or something. Almost immediately, he gripped his rape whistle tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

your mum looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Rob Manuel. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Rob Manuel. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. your mum walked over to the window and looked down. Rob Manuel was gone.

Just yonder, Rob Manuel was struggling to make his way through the moor behind your mum's place. Rob Manuel had severely hurt his abdomen during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral bloodhounds suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the rape whistle. One by one they latched on to Rob Manuel. Already weakened from his injury, Rob Manuel yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of bloodhounds running off with his rape whistle.

About eleven hours later, Rob Manuel awoke, his face throbbing. It was dark and Rob Manuel did not know where he was. Deep in the arid moor, Rob Manuel was really lost. Soon afterward, he remembered that his rape whistle was taken by the bloodhounds. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a oversized bloodhound emerged from the desert. It was the alpha bloodhound. Rob Manuel opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the bloodhound sunk its teeth into Rob Manuel's butt. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Rob Manuel's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than two miles away, your mum was entombed by anguish over the loss of the rape whistle. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened spoon. With a mighty thrust, she buried it deeply into her back. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Rob Manuel... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the rape whistle that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant bloodhounds, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
(mingeswingers, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 1:56, 23 replies)

Is this some sort of parody of The Hilarious Adventures of Rob Manuel?

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 7:14, closed)

Fuck off Skagra

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Wed 17 Sep 2014, 8:40, closed)

Why do you people bother?

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 9:05, closed)

hahyeah deffo read that yeah

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 9:12, closed)

Thank goodness some other people got to this first.
Otherwise I might have been tempted to read it.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 11:04, closed)

Where's the tl;dr version?

(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 11:21, closed)

It's just "dr".

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 11:24, closed)

Has anyone bothered to read this?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 12:11, closed)

skagra

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 12:17, closed)

I'm going to have to read this in small chunks,
as if it were a kind of incoherent War and Peace.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 13:04, closed)

If you haven't died of boredom or committed suicide after finishing it
Could you provide a tl;dr summary?
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 13:17, closed)

Having read the first section,
I'd have to say that the answer is that I probably couldn't. Statistically, it seems to boil down to "Rob Manuel"; but I can't do better than that. Sorry.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 13:44, closed)

A story about kiddie fingering then :(

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 18 Sep 2014, 0:19, closed)

I've read the full thing.
You know those stories that make no sense until the very end? This is not one of them.

Tl;dr madman rambles on for far too long and doesn't even manage to crowbar a convoluted pun in there.
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 13:44, closed)

You forgot the pun at the end.

(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 14:12, closed)

To cut a long story short
we wish you would.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 15:26, closed)

Kill yourself.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 18:45, closed)

Will it save me a whole lot of grief if I just ignore the story and say 'this is shit and you're a cunt'?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 21:41, closed)

It'll save you wasting ten minutes of your life, that's for sure.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 17 Sep 2014, 21:56, closed)

^Slow reader^

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 18 Sep 2014, 12:08, closed)

Hang on, the yellow flashing light on my head's fallen off.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 18 Sep 2014, 13:26, closed)

Fuck off Skagra.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 18 Sep 2014, 16:33, closed)