How to stop burglars
If you are ever woken up by a noise that you think could be an intruder there are 2 things that you need, 1. A rounder's bat, 2. A pair of Anne Summers Crocodile underpants.

Method:

Picture the scene, you're lying in bed when you hear a noise coming from downstairs, the first thing you must do is put on your crocodile underwire so that your old chap is in the nose portion of the garment, now grab your rounder's bat and head downstairs. 99.99% of the time there won't be anyone down there, or if anyone was there just hearing you wake up would have been enough to make them scarper, there is however a 0.01% chance that you could interrupt an intruder and on these occasions you must do as follows. As soon as you see the intruder you must start windmilling you cock as fast as you can, this should confuse the intruder so much that you should buy enough time to hit them as hard as you humanly can in the head. Once the intruder is knocked out sit on him and call the police.

If you are a lady i'd advise nipple tassles or a strap on

This is more of a theory than advice, so I take no responsibility if it doesn't work.
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Tue 25 May 2010, 15:59, 5 replies)

Being naked and holding a sword works fine.

As posted on the The Dark QOTW ;)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 25 May 2010, 16:48, closed)

That's my plan at least.
Though, truth be told, I'm more dangerous with a hammer in my hand (for example) than my Katana.
Still "Shock and awe" or, in my case, "Shock and ahahahahahahaha... I've never seen one that small..." (not the Katana, that's full size).
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 25 May 2010, 17:46, closed)

plus
the crimewatch reconstruction would set viewing records
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Tue 25 May 2010, 21:00, closed)

you dropped this:
.. be sure to tape the whole thing with one of those greenisch-night-vision cameras :-)
(bovine intervention, Tue 25 May 2010, 21:21, closed)

Ladies
I'd advise nipple tassles and a strap-on regardless of the intruder situation.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Wed 26 May 2010, 11:48, closed)