Four-year-olds should be confined until they learn diplomacy.
I was out shopping with my four year old nephew.

A woman of (un) healthy proportions was stood in front of us in the queue. My nephew stood behind her, sizing up her backside with intent. Staring, I should say, doing some mental arithmetic and dreaming those toddler dreams. “Auntie Snark! I can fit in her butt!” was his final conclusion, whispered at jet engine level. I went bug-eyed trying to keep the laughs politely contained within my own face.

The woman turned around with the ferocity of a million Twinkies and Godzilla stamped, “Keep your child under control!” By this time, I’d given up on breathing and was solely concentrating on not laughing, which was fairly obvious by my own hand trying to scoop the chortles back into my mouth.

Genuinely hurt and a bit scared, my nephew, too young to understand the intricacies of diplomacy and why you should only ever call a woman ‘thin’, whimpered and said, “But…but…I can fit in her bummy, Auntie,” while doing his best to gesticulate the size of her massive crack.

People were staring, awaiting my next move. This was my moment. Beads of sweat formed on my brow. Do I prove that I am an adult and force this child to make a magnanimous apology to this woman? A hyena-like noise emerged from the depths my guts as I attempted to apologise, and I ran away with my giggling nephew in tow. I thought I was going to sick up all down my tits if I had to keep a straight face.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 10:54, 9 replies)

my eyes are watering, and im trying not to laugh in a crowded office....thanks :)
my mum used to be a child minder, I know exactly the kind of things children come out with
( Bamboo Steamer, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 11:02, closed)

He explained later...
...that he meant height-ways, not width. As if that helped.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 11:10, closed)

I must remember
never to try drinking tea while reading QOTW. I'm now crying, but had presence of mind enough to get the tea back in my mug, rather than all over my new laptop..... :)
(vinny, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 11:23, closed)

I babysit for a mate of mine
She has a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old. I recently took them to the park, and as we were in the massive queue for the cafe, the eldest one loudly started talking about her 'gina', culminating in asking me if she could see my 'gina. When I tried to hush her and tell her that one's 'gina should be private she pouted (again quite loudly) 'But why? Mummy said every lady has one! Even granny!'.
Erk. Half the cafe was trying not to piss themselves and the other half looked like thunder. Kids eh?
(berk, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 12:10, closed)

"How about keeping your appetite under control?"

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 23 Jul 2010, 12:41, closed)

^^ This.

(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Fri 23 Jul 2010, 12:46, closed)

Cllliiiiick!

(mobi I completed the Internet on 'hard'. Twice., Fri 23 Jul 2010, 17:02, closed)

On the bus
Taking a child on public transport, I had the same sort of issue, very over weight woman obviously smelling of rampant BO gets the bus and makes her way down to the back of the bus where I am sat with Jake, as she passes all of the passengers, a look of pure disgust comes acros their faces like a tidal wave... then Jake in his loudest most coherent 5 year old voice says "Luke... LADY SMELLS, LADY SMELLS BAD.... the rest of the passengers burst into fits of giggles while I'm sat there trying to not make eye contact with her.
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 14:00, closed)

.
Win!
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 5:50, closed)