RIP - My old man
I'm not sure why I'm telling the internet this, but here goes.

My old man was a copper, a bent one. Not bent as in gay, bent as in he would turn a blind eye to this and that for the right price. Not only that, but he was a double hard bastard with a short temper.

Anyway, back to the story...

When I was a kid, I was in with a bad crowd of nasty punks, I'm ashamed to admit that I was no stranger to massive doses of illegal drugs and huge illicit sex parties. Looking back I was a disgusting little shit, I'm not sure how I wasn't able to understand the reactions of other people, maybe I've got Aspergers.

Anyway

Once some mates and I were daring each other to steal cars from the local Honda dealership, being the coolest and most daring of the group I was the designated driver. Nobody tells you this at school but it's dead easy to twock a car, just stick a screwdriver in the ignition, works just like a key.
I take a nice dab of speed to get me going, this was my first mistake and start my getaway in the stolen car.

Guess who should be driving by at the same moment? Yup, my old man, the dogy copper giving a lift to some fit as fuck prostitutes (none were my mum just so you know)

A dramatic car chase followed around Hyde, or so I hoped, it wasn't to be - They don't exactly fill the tanks up on those showcars and soon I had come to a halt.

I was so high and fucked on massive drugs that I thought I'd leg it. This was my second mistake. My old man drove his car THROUGH my car and pinned me to the wall with a police car and a Honda Accord, breaking both my legs.

With the bones literally poking out of my jeans we fought a bitter battle. All the years of this bastard ruining my life by not letting me get tattoos and piercings poured out as I beat my old man's face agianst the pavement.

Lucky for me he was a proper bent copper, becuase once the emergency services had arrived they let me off becuase I'd killed such a total cunt.

Guess who had to drive the tarts back to the station ;) legs were proper sore afterwards.

Cheers.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 14:43, 26 replies)

man, that's pretty hardcore dude...

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 14:52, closed)

This is one of the best works of non-fiction I've read on here
good work to you Mr. Dangle-berry
(likeajackhammer, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 14:56, closed)

Did the hookers want any money or did you fucking them both so good they felt guilty?

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 14:58, closed)

I wouldn't be able ...
... to believe this if it weren't for the Honda Accord.

I hope the prozzies didn't charge you for your old man's ride
(Biff..., Tue 15 Sep 2009, 14:59, closed)

Omg
This is heeeeeeeelarious and true
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:03, closed)

Yeah right
as if.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:10, closed)

I read about this in Closer magazine.

( JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:20, closed)

There are certain minor aspects of this story
that do not quite ring true.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:22, closed)

I call shenanigans!

(MrTerrorbag kills the elderly to save the economy., Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:22, closed)

It's this level of honesty and candour,
not to mention Honda Accord justice, that might just entice me back to QOTW.

Needs moar linebreaks though.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:28, closed)

Fuck off
they don't need the likes of you cluttering up the place with your filth
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:37, closed)

god, I've missed you sexmonkey.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:40, closed)

I missed you too, Auntie Sandra
but I'll never accept your new man as my Uncle. NEVER.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:42, closed)

It's
better off without you
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:42, closed)

Not entirely true
have you seen how shit it's been lately? Even Patrick Swayze's rotten pancreas has more life in it than this place. I mean for christ's sake, a re-post came second last week.

EDIT but well done on topping the /all page, you must feel like the only mong with a rubber ring at the pool party.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:44, closed)

Where is the
/all page you talk of?
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:51, closed)

Go to the latest QOTW page
add /all to the end of the URL, you're in the lead for the best page this week.

Well done you.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:53, closed)

Didn't realise that was possible
I don't like it.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:55, closed)

Well, it was then it wasn't and now it is again
and there's nothing you can do about it.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 15:56, closed)

What's that got to do with anything?

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 16:50, closed)

Fuck off

(Purple Jessop Jessoping Purple all over your father, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 22:35, closed)

Well that told me.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 8:25, closed)

I don't read mesages on the internet. I skip straight to the username and that alone decides wether or not I am furious.
..and I have to say, I am LIVID right now.
So livid I am going to tell the internet. Then put you on block and tell the internet.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 15 Sep 2009, 17:12, closed)

i don't know the OP
but because your angry, I'll start hating them too!
(tonyharrison, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 12:22, closed)