The other day
I was doing some gardening and I ended up
running over the debris from the recent re-carpetting of the living room, which had been put on the lawn. Because of the heat generated from the friction with said debris,
the blades had become very soft and flexible.

"Ah drat!" I cried
"What is it dear?" asked Wife
"Chopper's gone limp" I replied.
"Oh no!" She said "What happened?"
"Well I got it out but just ended up eating carpet!"

Well, off I popped to the DIY store to buy a new one.

"Hello!" chirped the sales assistant.
"Hello.... Connie" said I, spotting her name badge.
"That's Miss Lingus to you sir!" she said reproachfully.
"Terrible sorry. Could you direct me to the lawnmowers?"

Well, on the way to the lawnmowers I accidentally knocked into this burly chap. I apologised immediately of course.

"That's Dave," explained Miss Lingus "he's a member of our store rugby team."
"Hmm. A good strong member I daresay!"

We continued until arriving at the lawnmower aisle. It was here I noticed some shears.

"Ooh, these would be perfect!" I exclaimed.
"For what?" asked a, frankly belligerent, Connie.
"Why my wifes unruly bush of course! Just the other day I noticed a pair of pine martens making a nest in there!"

Having acquired a lawnmower, I became curious as to what other items I could purchase, so asked Connie to lead me to the bicycles.

There was arranged a beautiful shelf of bicycling paraphernalia, and I saw just the item I wanted. I reached out and picked it up.

"I'll buy this!" I said
"Should I polish it for you sir?" asked Connie
"Polish what?"
"Your bell of course sir! I'd very much like to polish your big purple bell!"
The colourful bicycle bell I'd picked up was indeed a bit grubby, and could perhaps do with a nice clean.
"Ooh yes please!" I shouted. "I only need a new one because a religious figurehead robbed my last one!"
"Indeed sir?"
"Ooh yes I punished him accordingly of course."
"How so sir?"
"Well I flogged the bishop you fool!" I yelled, cursing the child's ignorance."

I got to the checkout with my items and was very pleased with how the shop had gone.

"What brand of lawnmower is it, sir?" asked the knave at the counter.
"Erm, let me just put my glasses on," I said. "Ah here we are. It is a 'Tightly Puckered Anus 3000"
"Very good, sir."
(Tip-Top Tomcat but you can call me Tommo, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 23:41, 4 replies)

that deserves a...
clickety clickety clickety click...
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 0:32, closed)

Geniune hearty lol at the end
If this doesn't make the Best Of I'll eat my own pubes.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 0:46, closed)

I very much enjoyed
the way you finished off without warning. It gave me a bit of a thrill!
(heartbreaker, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 8:19, closed)

Like it
*Click*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 17 Jun 2008, 12:49, closed)