Raymond and his budgie.
My neighbour is a genius. We shall call him Raymond, for that is his name.

Raymond used to be a Fisherman. Not your sitting by a river dicking about for hours fisherman. But a proper fishin' the north sea for Haddocks and other whitefish. He is also the funniest person I have ever met, one of lifes great story tellers. If you imagine a strong man version of Alan Carr, then add about 10 stone, that's what Raymond looks like. If you were to ask him "How are you getting on?", his standard reply is "Same as usual, fat and ugly".

So Raymond had a daughter. Being at the fishing he didn't get to see her very often, so he left the boat for a job ashore. He thought about what he could do to pay the bills and came up with the idea of startIng a mobile fish van. He goes through the motions and gets a van, gets it kitted out and gets it survey by the local health and saftey inspector. The inspector told Raymond he would be able to start trading next week after the relevant paper work had been completed.

Two weeks later the paper work still hadn't arrived. Raymond is a bit pissed off, so phones up the inspector and get excuses from him, Raymond explains that he really needs to start making money, bills are coming in and the last pay from the fishing has run out. The inspector tells Raymond that he can start trading tommorow morning and he will be down with the certificates in the afternoon.

This is great news. Raymond can start making money with his new buisness, he makes a phone call to his mate on the boat and gets a few boxes of fresh fish delivered. He thinks to himself, how am I going to let people know that I'm selling fish? So he phones the local radio station;

"Hello Radio Orkney? I'd like to place an advertisment please.". Only to be told don't be stupid we're part funded by the BBC, we can't help you.

Never call Raymond stupid. A couple of hours later...

"Hello Radio Orkney? Its Raymond Raymondson here and the most terrible things happend, my daughters lost her Budgie. Could you read a message out asking if anybody has seen him?" asked Raymond
"Why yes sir that shouldn't be a problem, can you give us a description of your budgie?"
"Well he's green and yellow and his name is 'Cheepfish'"
"Cheepfish? Strange name for a budgie."
"Hey that's the name me daughter picked for him"
"Oh okay, can you give us a phone number for contacting you?"
"No theres nae point me giving u me number me bloody phones on the blink, but I'll be on Kirkwall Pier tommorow in my fish van from 12 till 1."

Cue Radio Orkney reading out that Raymond has lost his budgie 'CHEEPFISH' and he'll be on the pier in his fish van tommorow afternoon.

There was a fair few folk buying fish on the pier.
( rgordon00, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 19:23, 1 reply)

Hahaha.
That's great that is. Have a click.
(Sundayturkey has the biggest mug of tea, Sun 4 Oct 2009, 11:18, closed)