Don't be a hero!
This is the final one from me this week (I promise).

I tried to block this one out of my mind but one of my awesome (shitty) friends reminded me of this last night. As it happens it took place exactly 5 years ago today.

We'd spent a glorious afternoon down the park drinking, smoking and generally having a dick about. As day turned to night we decided that we weren't quite ready to call it a day yet, so we decided to head out the local club.

We continued to party on into the wee hours of the morning, steadilly becoming more and more inebriated.

Then out of the smoke and flashing lights she appeared. A vision of beauty so divine it would have made even god cry (milky tears from his one eyed trouser snake).

Gemma (name changed to protect the innocent) had started working in the call centre I was employed in 2 months earlier. The daughter of an italian father and a malaysian mother; Gemma had beautiful soft olive skin, long flowing black hair, deep hypnotic brown eyes and curves in all the right places. Needless to say I was smitten at first sight.

Surely, you might say, I made it my mission in life to woo this girl and make her mine... alas, you would be wrong.
I was so completely dumbstruck by her beauty that I was rendered absolutely useless in her presence.
I was unable to form coherent sentences and my jaw usually hung somewhere around my knees.

In fact, in 2 months I had said exactly 3 (yes, three) words to her.

Now my friends knew about my obsession and they took advantage of my reduced inhibitions to goad me into action. After several minutes heated discussion between us I had run out of excuses.

I stood up, took a deep breath, puffed out my chest and then strode across the room towards her in the most manly manner I could. Then just as I was about to reach her I veered off at a right angle and marched straight up to the welcoming safety of the bar.

A shot (or two) of dutch courage was just what I needed to prepare myself for the task at hand.

I slammed back my drink and turned round to see the object of my affections being chatted up by another man.
My heart sank to the floor and I cursed my lack of bravery. I was just about to slink back to my friends with my tail between my legs when I spied something...could it be?

Yes! My prayers had been answered.
The gentleman suiter's advances had been sharply rejected (judging by the ferocity of the slap he recieved). Not only that but he was persisting to try it on with her and she was evidently becoming more distressed by the situation.

This was it!

My chance to be a hero... The knight in shining armour ready to rescue the princess from the evil ogre.

She would love me for sure once i'd saved her!

Now i'm a lover not a fighter... In fact I've not had a fight since school. But this was different, I had to take action!

I marched over to her with a new-found sense of purpose.
I grabbed the guy by the shoulder and spun him round.
"what the fuck do you think you're playing at? Look, she's not interested in you so why dont you just fuck off!" I bellowed in my toughest voice.
Then something dawned on me... This guy was a hell of a lot bigger than he had looked from across the room. There was now a very good chance that I was about to get an absolute pasting at the hands of this neanderthal!

The guy squared up to me and then pulled back slightly... I knew what was coming, he was about to destroy my nose with his forehead!

Then right at the critical moment he stopped. His expression changed suddenly from one of rage to something else entirely.

Then the unthinkable happened... Instead of the bony forehead i was expecting, a golden stream of Stella Artois flavored vomit flew in an arc from his mouth and straight into my face!

For the briefest of moments I was stunned, then i smacked back into reality with a bump.

The mixture of a days worth of alcohol consumption, the stress of the situation and the fact that i was now covered from head to toe with vomit pushed me over the edge.

I started to wretch and struggled to keep my lunch down as i panicked and tried to figure out how to get out of this situation.

Unfortunately I didn't think quick enough and the inevitable happened. As the contents of my stomach travelled rapidly up my oesophagus i clamped my hand over my mouth in a vain attempt to stop it from flying everywhere.
This worked for the first heave, but the second was too much to contain and vomit squeezed through my fingers and proceeded to cover everybody within a 5 feet radius liberally with my vomit!

Suddenly very, very sober, i looked to my right.
The love of my life was standing there gobsmacked, soaked in a mixture of mine and the other guys vomit.
There she remained motionless for what seemed like an age while she processed what had just happened. Then the inevitable happened... She started to cry unconsolably. Then she turned round and ran from the club and into the night.

I never spoke to her again after that night. In fact every time we saw each other after that, embarrassed glances were exchanged and we quickly headed in opposite directions.
She left work shortly after that.

The moral of the story? Dont try to be a hero because more often than not it'll come back to bite you in the ass!

... That and dont be a pussy!

Cheers,
K
(Korrupt is shagging your food and eating your women., Mon 13 Apr 2009, 16:52, 5 replies)

Is it just me
Or are your stories crap?
(McChinaman banned, Mon 13 Apr 2009, 22:32, closed)

I thought it was
a good story, click
(knackerz is skinning up, Tue 14 Apr 2009, 0:34, closed)

^This
I clicked it
( chart cat has an itch, Tue 14 Apr 2009, 3:18, closed)

I really liked this!
Its the first story I have read on this QOTW that made me laugh at my desk.
Nice one sir, have a well deserved click.
(Burt Burt, Tue 14 Apr 2009, 15:54, closed)

Gets my click
Just for sounding uncomfortably like me...
( snee held his breath since, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 16:05, closed)