Why I am never the designated driver.
Usually my best mate is the DD as she doesn't drink much so I'd always have a ride home. Except for one night when I got a grand idea in my head to not drink when we went to the bar so that she could have a few. It started with a shooter, something fruity I assume. And another fruity drink. In walks her current shag, they're not together, though she wants to be, he doesn't. So she's chatting at him and hanging all over him as he gently nudges her off. They start taking shots of Grand Marnier, it only goes downhill from here.

In walks a girl that's always been a little more than friendly with her shag. I groan a bit as she walks up to him and hugs him, my mate orders another round, girl disappears. By this time mate needs to use the facilities. I escort her slighty drunken self to the bathroom and walk in on girl loudly proclaiming she's going home with shag tonight. Mate is not too happy. More shots are ordered, along with angry shouts at shag, who promptly leaves.
Mate orders another shot and drink and is by this time speaking a bit incoherently. I've never seen her like this. She tries to wander to the bathroom by herself and manages to fall flat on her face. She's helped up and she does her business and falls out of the bathroom door. This is no bueno.
So she makes it out to the bar finally and is told she's been cut off and it's best if we leave. After a few minutes of calming down, we soon realise her legs aren't working at all now. With the help of the bartenders husband I am able to get her out to the car through the back of the bar, then into my car, when she spots shag outside smoking. "I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR," is shouted from my car.
Best to get on the way then.

I jump in the drivers seat and we get on our way. Make it about a block before she decides she needs to puke. So she paints someones driveway and we are off again. A few miles down a country highway, she needs to puke again. Hindsight is usually 20-20, and where as I've never had this problem, I didn't quite expect it. I pull over as best I can, she opens the door and pukes a little. Opens the door further, then rolls the fuck out and into a pukey ditch. Yay.
I clean her up with an old sweater, hoist her in, leave sweater behind. Carry on down the road a bit, she needs to stop again. This time I make sure it's no where near a fucking ditch.
So she opens the door and does a repeat, except this time she narrowly misses cracking her face open on a curb. She's holding the door in one hand, holding herself up off the ground with the other, I'm watching her as a distinct smell begins to float through my car. Is...is that piss? Great.
I get her back into the car, we finally get to her grandmothers house, once again she's hanging out of the car barfing in a driveway and I notice another not so lovely smell. I manage to get her out and inside to the bathroom where instead of shoving her head in the toilet, she rips her shitty pants down and sits on it.
I borrow a bucket to clean off my car as her grandmother is in the background screaming "This is ridiculous!" I clean as much as I can off the inside and outside of the door.
I get into the driver's side and notice...is that? No. It can't be.
She's shit on my passenger seat. Awesome.

So as I'm at the carwash at 3a.m. scrubbing the shit and piss out of my passenger seat I decide that never again will I ever be the designated driver.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 18:40, 8 replies)

Hey, some people (not me!) supposedly find shit and piss a turn-on.

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 24 Mar 2011, 18:51, closed)

not
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 19:10, closed)

Leather seats help no end in such situations

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 19:32, closed)

you tell me now :((((

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 19:41, closed)

To an extent.
They fight it off better than cloth, but when your 4 year old quietly pukes chocolate milk around the hole where the seatbelt comes thorugh, at the start of a 2 hour journey and doesn't say anything . . .

Leather infused with puke (or piss/shit, presumably) is far more difficult to clean than cloth.

And as a bonus, 'champagne' leather that has absorbed chocolate puke permanently changes colour too.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 9:52, closed)

Sounds like a thoroughly reasonable and reasoned argument
I don't even drive, so had that one solved a long time ago....
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 23:50, closed)

Ouch
I suspect this is often what it's like for the designated driver. Probably why taxi drivers are often miserable...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 0:31, closed)

...and murderers

(FUXTIX Not my words, Carol, Sat 26 Mar 2011, 18:06, closed)