I worked with this guy
let's call him Bob. He was a bit - well, hard to say what, really, but if you saw him you'd know straight away 'something' was going on. Is he autistic, had he been dropped on the head when he was a baby, is he some kind of genetic mutation - could have been anything. Let's just say he was - unique. Special.

He was employed only to do the most menial of chores and to his credit he did them well - distributing post, photocopying, filing, etc. and in all the years I knew him he was never late or off sick. So in one sense he was a good worker - reliable, dependable - but only in his comfort zone. Ask him to do anything else and he would spaz out, sometimes spectacularly. He couldn't answer the phone - he was way too nervous, and had a speech impediment that made his mouth fill up with saliva until it dribbled out of his mouth or he swallowed it. He also never - NEVER! - wiped his ass after having a shit.

He would regularly pick his nose with the intensity of a hardcore anal porn performer.

His BO wasn't too bad, but once you smelt it, you didn't want to ever smell it again. Like a pot of coleslaw that's been left out in the sun for three hours.

He had a problem with farting - or rather, WE had a problem with HIM farting - this is where the lack of self-awareness comes in. He would regularly let rip with the most obnoxious chuffers it has ever been my 'pleasure' to experience. The sound would start as a low growl - imagine a very angry cat - then sharply rise to an astounding and very wet-sounding crescendo - MMMMMMPsssssstthhHHHHHHRRRRPPTHTHHTHHSHTHSHHSHTBBRAAAAPPPPPRPRPTSSSSSHHH!
- something that Jonny Fartpants out of Viz would consider a masterpiece.

Whilst in the process of letting this fart, Bob's face would remain as immobile as a waxwork, his eyes intent on the computer screen in front of him, his fingers tapping away, seemingly oblivious to the 'events down below.'

Fart emitted, the smell would then permeate the office. Those in the know would have legged it at the first subsonic growl - those remaining would experience an odour of, fuck, how to describe it? It was definitely beefy, and definitely eggy, due to Bob's diet of pies and pasties and crisps and all manner of shite. But there was something else... as though something had crawled up Bob's arse and died, there to remain, its rotting carcass contributing to the feculent miasma of Bob's anal emissions. But - but there was something else again... the smell of mucus; if you've ever smelt someone's breath when they have a bad cold, that was there as well. All in all, the worst smell I have ever ever smelt ever.

Bob's farts have caused a senior officer to below "What the HELL's that?" They have made a 19 year old temp girl run, sobbing from the office. They have made Post-It notes curl up. They have rendered a cup of tea that I once abandoned in the blast area undrinkable - I COULD ACTUALLY TASTE HIS FART SMELL IN MY TEA. Jesus Pissflaps. Once, he followed through, and, whilst he was in the bog 'cleaning up' (bet he never washed his hands), Facilities Management quickly replaced his chair, and the soiled one had to be burned.

Bob, Bob, fucking farty Bob, I'm so glad I no longer work with you. For this and many other reasons which may well come to light in future QOTWs.

(There you go! A proper story. Anyone looking for a pun can shit off).
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 21:06, 30 replies)

Excellent QOTWing

( Major Turd for tonight only, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 21:14, closed)

Clicked!
But I have to ask - exactly how did you know that he never -NEVER!- wiped his arse?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 2 Dec 2012, 21:15, closed)

I'm glad I wasn't the only one
to wonder about this.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 21:48, closed)

Great minds think alike, eh?

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 2 Dec 2012, 22:28, closed)

"Idiots seldom differ"
more likely.
(BlondeBombshell Small but perfectly formed., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 7:23, closed)

So aside from your shit-stirring
do you have any input as to why Dr.Skagra may have said that he knew that Bob never wiped his bottom?
Clearly MM and I would like to know.
Anything otherwise just looks like you are trolling us.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 7:32, closed)

Aww. Is your bottom lip going?
Funny how one of the worst shit-head trolls is the first to bleat when the tables are turned.

You should have a good look at your own input first.
(BlondeBombshell Small but perfectly formed., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 8:21, closed)

Wha?!
I'll tell you a secret young lady.
I only troll the trolls.
When you figure out who they are do please feel free to get back to me and let me know.
Otherwise it's back to the amateurs with you.
Don't feel to bad about that tho. There's always next season....
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 8:31, closed)

"I only troll the trolls"
Very noble.
Very deluded too, but I'm sure you think you're providing a service.
(BlondeBombshell Small but perfectly formed., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 8:48, closed)

I like that you think that I'm talking about you.
But I'm not.
Sadly.
You're an amateur and need to realise that.
Sorry. Somebody had to tell you.

Hi Rory!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 9:06, closed)

Poor man
Your ego betrays you.

I didn't for one minute think you were talking about me.
But trying to put me down by saying I'm an amateur is actually a compliment. I'd hate to be as vile and bitter a twat as you are.

Sorry. Someone just had to tell you.
(BlondeBombshell Small but perfectly formed., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 9:14, closed)

I like that you spend so much time thinking about me.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 12:15, closed)

Is your lack of self-awareness ironic, or just stupidity?
I'm sure you'd like to think someone is thinking about you, good or bad.
It'd probably explain a lot about the tripe you write.
(BlondeBombshell Small but perfectly formed., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 12:42, closed)

See, still doing it.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 19:14, closed)

Oh now look.
You're making the man who once grassed me up to my boss for being silly on the internet n my own time look good.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 20:07, closed)

Oh you wag
you!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 22:40, closed)

You're sloppy seconds to Shambles for this one I'm afraid.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 15:29, closed)

Cheers.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 19:15, closed)

To be honest,
I can't really get upset about someone calling me an idiot on b3ta. Still, thanks for looking out for me, I guess.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 15:55, closed)

Idiot!

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 22:40, closed)

*sobs*

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 4 Dec 2012, 11:48, closed)

Well, that was rank. Have a click.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 2 Dec 2012, 21:54, closed)

Jesus pissflaps
Two words I have never thought id hear together.
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 8:20, closed)

Can we get some clarity on the whole bum wiping question?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 8:46, closed)

Seconded.
so he basically was pretty f'ing revolting but managed to work there for quite some time?
(wino.NZ The Ayatollah of rock n' rolla..., Mon 3 Dec 2012, 9:01, closed)

He was caught out during a routine inspection:

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 11:02, closed)

Clarity on the bum-wiping question
Since you asked...

It was a typo. I meant, "he never - NEVER! - washed his hands after having a shit."

Sorry!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 18:05, closed)

He would regularly pick his nose with the intensity of a hardcore anal porn performer.
I'm not sure this sentence really works. Unless there is a whole sub-genre of nose pick porn I know nothing about.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 18:38, closed)

I did write it
in one massive gush, so apologies if all metaphors / similies were not effective. Hell, even Shakespeare fucked up occasionally (take arms against a sea of troubles).

To clarify, Bob would insert his THUMB up a nostril, and wriggle it around so that disturbing bulges would appear, it was like something out of Scanners. After this he would return to using his keyboard, without washing his hands, fucking hell, his keyboard must have been encrusted in snot, and earwax (he used to explore his grotesquely protruberant ears in the same manner), and of course faeces, as he never washed his hands after having a biggg shittt.

When hot-desking was introduced into the office, other people used his desk when he was on leave, even those who knew of his... of him. People have a blind spot when it comes to IT; it's not a toilet full of shitttt, it's a computer keyboard, so it must be OK. Those who work in IT will advise quite the opposite, that keyboards can be the most unhygienic objects in the office. Especially Bob's, which was encrusted with mucus, shit, sebum, dribble, and the food which would occasionally drop from his champing maw as he ate.

I'm almost over him. God how I miss him. How I love him.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 3 Dec 2012, 20:41, closed)

Bob & Dr. Skagra sittin' in a tree.....

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 4 Dec 2012, 7:15, closed)