On the Free Bus!
Y'know these bendy buses, right? More commonly known to me and my social circle as 'the Free Bus' (as it is grotesquely easy to bunk). Well, after a fairly drunken night in central London, my friend, my girlfriend and I were making our way home. Now, the immediate consequences of travelling on the Free Bus are that the lowest strata of society travel too, a whole new league to the general bus weirdos.

So, there we were, when a group of loudmouth cockney harridan slags got on, and literally belted out their inane 'conversation' for the entire length, girth and width of the bus to hear. A bus full of drunk and tired people just wanting to get home.

I, being the wrong side of 6 or 7 pints, and fired up in joker mode due to the missus' presence, decided to imitate their harpie-like shreech, and I intended to yelp out "Shut the fuck up, innit!", just at the right volume, so I could impress my lovely girl, my friend, and the immediate vicinity of the bus, so as to ease the weary irritation my fellow travellers and I were experiencing with a bit of referential humour.

So, without warning, out it came:
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, INNIT!"

Oh no.. A smidge too..

The next thing I know is that I'm hit by a wall of tartslag abuse from halfway down the bus. Threats of a slapping for my girl, a slapping for me, a slapping for my friend, various trips up and down the aise to yell at me face-to-face. At which point I thought 'fuck it', and just yelled back (in my normal - but angry - voice) at them that I was only saying what everyone else was thinking, and kindly asked them to shut their fucking mouths again. Out of the frying pan..

Basically, the torrent of foul abuse continued until our stop, where - emboldened by imminent freedom - I waved through the window and blew a kiss.

Oh no..

Off they got as well, screeching still.

I won't bore you with how it went on, it just gets boring from here anyway, in any case no-one got slapped (except a fairly feeble slap on the back of my head which wasn't worth a response).

Apologies for length, but you secretly love it..
( Quiver Search for FATALISTS on Spotify, Amazon, Apple, &c, Wed 1 Jun 2005, 19:20, Reply)