A letter from me.
Dear everyone,

I've got a few things I'd like to get off my chest, and I think a letter is the best way to do it. I'm not entirely sure where to start, so I'll just address various concerns in a concise, and yet clear manner. These are not all the things that annoy me, but the ones that just spring to mind without thinking too hard.

Let's begin with the basics: manners. The words "please" and "thank you" were not invented merely to be said in old-fashioned costume dramas. They are still relevant today. Please use them.

Please do not spit in public. If you've been for a run, kindly contain your phlegm until you reach a bin. Do not simply hawk it onto the ground just where someone is walking. It's disgusting, and one day, if you do it in front of me, you might find yourself being vomited on.

Gentlemen: if you leer at a young lady on the underground, making various salacious remarks about her very audibly, do not call her a "fucking dyke" when she tells you to be quiet. Unbelievable as it is, not every single woman on the planet gets the urge to jump into bed with a middle-aged sweaty pervert.

Ladies: your children might be the centre of your universe, but they are not the centre of mine. You may talk about them for a maximum of 3 minutes to me, before I forcefully change the subject.

Moreover, your pram/pushchair is not a siege weapon. It does not exist for the sole purpose of running over peasants/old people/other children. If you have it in a cafe, and the child is not sitting in it, collapse the fucking thing and store it under the table. If your child is old enough to walk, and looks like it's too big for the pushchair, then make it walk. No wonder kids are getting fat these days, if their parents push them around in a buggy until they're 10 years old.

For all you people who hate cyclists: for every one cyclist who jumps a red light, there will be 9 who cycle carefully and considerately, stopping at lights, making clear signals, and not doing illegal turns. Just because a cyclist is able to weave through traffic jams, and you're jealous of the fact that they are (a) going faster than you, (b) don't pay road tax/petrol etc and (c) are potentially going to live longer than you, it is no reason to shout abuse at them, deliberately force them off the road or drive through the puddles next to them to get them wet. You cunts.

Cyclists: do not run red lights. Wear a helmet and lights. If there is a cycle track, which is in a decent condition, use it. You idiots.

Sensationalist reporting: yes, I'm looking at you, the Daily Mail/Express/Mirror. Diana is very dead, so probably is Madeleine McCann. Heather Mills is batshit insane. Get over it. Do some real reporting.

To the small middle-ages ladies with sharp elbows who constantly try to push onto the tube ahead of me in the mornings: don't give me deathstares when I refuse to let you on before me. I WAS THERE FIRST.

To the small old ladies who can't sit in their usual seats on the bus, because I'm there with my rucksack: don't mutter about how young people these days have no respect. There are 40 empty seats just behind mine. Get over it.

Female colleagues. Just because I am a woman, it does not mean that I will share your obsession for all things wedding-related. If my friends are getting married, fine, good for them, I hope they'll be very happy. Indeed, I hope to get married myself one day. However, just because we are getting closer to summer, please do not show me every single celebrity wedding dress article in Hello/OK!/Heat. I don't care. I find your inane burblings tedious and shallow. And on that note, stop asking me when it's going to be "my turn". I will get married when I want. The more you ask, the more you start sounding like wizened old spinsters, trying to live vicariously through your colleague's lives. If you like weddings so much, go off and have one yourself. I'll bet there are hundreds of men needing UK visas who'll marry you.

Green issues. Our planet is buggered. What do we do about it? Bang on about buying energy saving lightbulbs, and then leave the lights on all day. Obsess about using renewable energy, then turn all the heating up instead of wearing an extra jumper. Agree that we are all flying too much, and then find that the rail companies are charging an arm and a leg to go 50 miles away.

These are a few things that really get my goat. However, while I've found that it is easy to list things that annoy me, a list of things that I like would stretch to the moon and back. I can say with all honesty that I'm pretty fucking happy with life. It would do us all a lot of good if we were to concentrate on the things that make life worthwhile, as opposed to focussing solely on irritating things.

Anyway, hope you're well, and have a lovely Bank Holiday.

Love,

BobFossil
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:51, 23 replies)

^^*CLICK*
Well put.

Have a lovely bank holiday yourself, Bob.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:55, closed)

I fear after a day of reading this
my bank holiday will be filled with rage and gripes. Nicely written post though.

Thankyou

edit - oh yes, have a nice holiday.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:55, closed)

Cyclists
You have the figures wrong. 99 will run a read light and 1 will not. The 1 who doesn't is too distracted yanking the lycra out of their crack.

Until cyclists pay road tax and insurance, they should be banned from the roads.
(SpangleDangle >->)))'>, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:00, closed)

Dear BobFossil,
You are a wonderful person.
If you were a goat, or a dead person, I'd be honoured to have sex with you.

Your letter was fantastic, and has got the first click from me so far this QOTW.

Love and kisses,

Kaol.
( Cawl, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:01, closed)

i do like this and i have clicked
i do however have a strong impression that you are more than bit dykey looking, loose some weight, try some make-up - you never know men might like you.

might want to think about that - or it may never be 'your turn'

;D

(awaits torrent of abuse)
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:02, closed)

I concur
totally with your comments on cyclists. I've been getting more and more ticked off at the anti-cyclist lobby posting on this QOTW and have been about to put finger to keyboard more than once today. You have however expressed my feelings precisely on this subject .... so not point in me duplicating it (or have I just done so ?).

And BTW I'm in board agreement with you too on your other bug bears.
( Ramsay Tupper, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:04, closed)

@TwistedLucidity
fuck yeah

and insurance?

...one of these tofu botherers dents my beautiful sports car and i get to pay for their lack of foresight - cunts on (2) wheels

and if you scrape past my wing mirror one more time i'll open the fucking door on you

love and kisses
jeremy c
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:05, closed)

clicks
and hugs, spot on BobFossil.

especially on the please and thankyou front.

Have a top weekend all, im working monday but got a date afterwards, whoop whoop!
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:07, closed)

@Halfy
About Monday, can you wear the dark wig, and that red dress?
( Cawl, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:09, closed)

@Spimf
Whether I'm dykey-looking or not is entirely down to opinions. There's a photo of me on my profile, why don't you look at it and then tell me if I look like a dyke?

Which brings up another question: what does a "dyke" look like? I'm assuming shaven/short-haired, no make-up: in which case, I'm nothing like a dyke.

Men call women "dykes" to insult them, except it's not insulting, unless one is homophobic. If I were a lesbian, I'd take pride in it, and therefore wouldn't mind if I was called "dyke" or "lezzer".
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:11, closed)

@Kaol
Not the red dress again, it cost me £45 in dry cleaning bills by the time you had finsihed.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:20, closed)

Sorry...
I'll crack one off in the shower before I pick you up this time then...
( Cawl, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:23, closed)

Ah 'Bob',
Well put my dear (don't forget patronising old gits).
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:24, closed)

Well said, Bob!
Agreed on the cyclist thing especially. For those of you saying 'road tax blah blah blah' (which is the oldest and most retarded argument in the book) - in London there's a £20 on-the-spot fine for riding a bike on the pavement. Using the cycle lanes (which aren't on all roads) is a lottery, as buses tend to sideswipe you. And that's when the lanes are usable anyway. So where do you expect us to ride? We have just as much a right to use the road as you have. And, before I get a flaming - I pay road tax for my car too.

Cycling isn't bad. Not all of us race through lights, because most of us don't want to get killed. If car drivers could be a bit more accommodating (and as someone who also rides motorbikes I can say you don't give a shit about them either) we might all get along just fine.

Until then, I'll get there quicker (if we're in town), fitter, and thinner than you. :)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:49, closed)

*gulps*
sorry bob, really very very sorry.

(you do of course accept the caveat is that the depth of my grovelling is in direct correlation to your degree of fitness)

*touches self in special place*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 2 May 2008, 15:34, closed)

@Spimf
That's ok! I assumed you were jesting anyway...

To be fair, I couldn't care less about whether someone accuses me of being a dyke/fat/ugly/whatever, if it's obvious that they're just trying to insult me; they don't know that it would in fact manage to upset me or not. If someone I actually knew did that though, it'd be a different matter, as it would be personal, and therefore far worse.

What really annoys me is that men like that, if rejected/rebuffed by a woman, will automatically try to ascertain their power over her by insulting her in some way. Idiots. Some men just can't stand being rejected.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 2 May 2008, 15:44, closed)

men/rejection
This is very true, I was indeed jesting, I think the behaviour of some of my fellow penis owners is frankly appalling - the train thing strikes a chord - I, like many men would like to intervene but would also like to not be stabbed in the face. It is a genuine quandary.

Small point though - if there were more polite intelligent young women out there and less braying tarts (also found on trains usually screeching down pink mobiles) who understood it is nerve racking for any bloke (particularly young and awkward teenage blokes) to approach a woman and that it would be at best least well mannered or better still kinder to let them down them in an appropriate fashion then they might not be so inclined to be frightened of women - therefore turn in to nasty little pricks as a defence mechanism – ‘bovvered?’

So full circle, it comes back to manners as you say, which is indeed the parent’s responsibility - but crucially, is also an issue for our (rapidly collapsing) sense of social responsibility. I have a two-year-old son. He is beautiful, innocent and perfect. If he ever spoke to anyone in the manner you have described - if I wasn’t there to correct him myself I would hope some other decent soul would. Which frankly with the stabbing in the face issue is not likely.

When I was a nipper if an adult told me off I accepted the situation and respected them. Sadly respect seems to be out of fashion ‘innit’

(Still fancy you though)
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 2 May 2008, 16:10, closed)

I take your point
about it being humiliating for anyone to be rejected, and especially in a place as public as a tube carriage.

However, this was a middle-aged man and his friend, who didn't look like they were trying to get up the courage to ask me for my number so one of them could take me on a lovely romantic date. They were leering at my breasts (I wasn't wearing a low-cut top), and saying stuff like "Cor, I'd like to get my cock in between them". Loudly. Which was just plain unpleasant, and embarrassing for me. So I said "will you please be quiet", and they then swore at me. I think they actually expected me to giggle and flirt with them. Morons.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 2 May 2008, 16:39, closed)

christ thats horrible
you could of course got on your mobile (they'd be clearly too thick to realise it wasn’t a radio) and went..

'control - DCI fossil here, yeah - can i get a response unit to (next station) I think I have spotted one of the suspects in the Millie Dowler case - yeah, dogs, good, oh and armed response team too, yeah? great'

That would have shifted them methinks

i once threatened to close the MacDonald’s (we were pissed and hungry shut up) in Princes Street at 2am -BIG BUSY FLAGSHIP BRANCH when a person in the 12 deep queue in front of me was told they had shut the loos due to lack of staff (mrs spimf ALWAYS needs the bloody loo)

Simply flashed a blockbuster membership card from my wallet asked to speak to the manager - who just about shit herself when i quoted the "provision of adequate toilet facilities for members of the public where food and drink is sold for consumption on the premises" told her i was from environmental health dept and she either be shut down immediately or open the toilets.

within minutes droves of drunken Edinburgers in the newly de-roped off upstairs area rolling joints and throwing chips

mrs spimf was horrified but also fairly amused
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 2 May 2008, 17:12, closed)

haha^
Nice one!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 2 May 2008, 17:25, closed)

Dear Bobfossil
Dear Bobfossil

Your letter was lovely and I agree with all of it.

And to the cyclist haters out there, i run two cars and pay a shitload of money in tax, so year i think i pay enough to use the roads on my bike thank you very much. My bike is probably worth more than your shitty fiesta and i am very very insured to ride it on th roads so get off your high horse twats.

Thank you

Ogwen69
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 2 May 2008, 19:13, closed)

Ogwen69
couple of points

1. your bike simply does not cost more than my bloody car. i have yet to see a 30K bicycle in halfords

2. look just fuck off - me and bob got off to bad start but shes warming to me - the magic is working.

*leans on 'bar' looks at trigger*

bugger
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 3 May 2008, 2:32, closed)

shut up spimf
Ogwen is totally right
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 7 May 2008, 17:31, closed)