Confessions of a serial monogamist
As an interweb virgin in South Africa in mid '96, I quickly discovered the wonders of a world full of women who had no idea about my reputation. I posted an ad on various sites and waited for the replies, not expecting too many...

First one was an ad agency "exec". Arranged to meet at a local pub, but she was late. When she eventually pitched up, she was a bit jittery. Turned out they'd had a party at work to celebrate a new account, and she'd consumed rather more coke than Coke. So far so good, I thought, until she invited me into the ladies' with her to carry on the party. At 7pm-ish on a Tuesday, in a pub full of after-work yuppie scum. Tempting as her offer was, I had to decline, as I have a policy about getting stoned with a woman before I've shagged her.

Next was K from Seattle. We emailed for a while, then I got her phone number and a photo and called her. Lovely soft voice, looked attractive in her pic. Carried on emailing and phoning for a while, then she decided to visit me. After travelling for 32 hours, she arrived at Joburg airport on a sunny Sunday morning. I then realised what she'd meant by "Rubinesque". 6'1, the wrong side of 20 stone, dressed in dungaree shorts, green tights and 21-hole Docs. I don't think the looks I was getting from the other people were "You jammy sod", somehow. Anyway, she spent a week with me, met my parents, and introduced me to the definite delights of the larger woman. I promised to visit her as soon as I could, with the unmentioned motive of two weeks' free accommodation and chauffering around while job hunting in Seattle.

The big day. My first long-haul flight on my own, via Heathrow. The trip was surprisingly fun, the interviews went well, and Washington State is a great place - not really America at all. The only semi-scary experience was being stoned and underneath her on a king-size heated waterbed - it's like being smothered under a soft heavy mattress.

Got back to SA, met the first Mrs Paralytic a week later (on a US dating site, but we lived about a mile apart, and she'd been involved with a bloke I was at school with). Dumped K by email. As it begins, so shall it end. I was eternally grateful of the Atlantic and a few thousand miles of North America that separated me from K's understandable ire.

Marriage inevitably ended after a few years back in the UK, so back into the net personals. In the five years since I'd last used it, the number of gorgeous blonde Russian and Bulgarian women with net access had increased immensely. Especially those who were desperately looking for a tall scruffy mid-30s bloke from Blackburn.

Since then, I've done things the conventional way. At a mate's wedding, I met the Blow Job Queen of Borehamwood, for an extended meaningful overnight relationship. Now settled down with an early-30s hairdresser from Essex who has a predeliction for dressing up as a schoolgirl. Separated at birth from Nina Birch. Google her. You know you want to.
(CaptainParalytic, Thu 13 Sep 2007, 16:07, Reply)