I often wonder...
...if my ex was trying to get dumped the whole 18 months we were together.

We first got together in the summer after I took my A Levels. He was a year older and told me he was taking a couple of years out to earn some money and decide what he wanted to do. At the beginning things were fantastic. He was so laid back I relaxed for the first time in years. We had such a good time together and spent a fair amount of that summer together.

After that, things just got progressively worse. I can't really put my finger on how it started, or even when I realised something was wrong, but my god I wish I'd realised sooner.

He was incredibly possessive, and after 6 months or so I guess you could say that he had alienated all of my real friends. Being blinded by love as I was, I didn't really notice. Which makes me sound terrible but I was head over heels with this guy. He loved being in control, particularly of me. He would pick and choose when he spoke to me, and I'm ashamed to say that I gave him the attention he wanted by chasing him to speak to me.

He told all of his friends private things about me that I had told him. He managed to turn every argument around so that I ended up in tears begging for forgiveness. He would lock me out of his house at 3am after a night out and leave me outside with no way to get home, as all of my things were inside. He would treat me like a naughty child, and on several nights out he ragged on me all night and I eventually was a sobbing wreck, which was my fault and he dragged me out of the club hissing under his breath that I was an embarassment.

He refused to get a job for ages, sponging off me when I was earning minimum wage and saving for uni myself. When he did get a job, he often refused to go in, or went in late. He would claim to be meeting me for lunch and often left me waiting in the bus stop for my whole lunch break. He never turned up.

When I went to uni, he truly snapped. He wouldn't let me out the house some days and others I knew it wasn't worth the hassle to argue, so I'd stay home. One day I couldn't get a response from him and for some reason I rushed home, where he still wouldn't speak to me and then he went to work til midnight, leaving me worrying and panicking all evening. I got a text mid-evening telling me things had changed, he was still the same but I had changed and something had to give. Obviously I spent the whole night worrying.

I'm not a spineless person, I had just been reduced to this quivering, obedient little girl and I was completely at his will. He eventually took to hitting me. Not much at first, but one day he hit me so hard I fell off the bed and hit the cupboard. I actually saw red and hit him back, but he turned that round too so it was my fault and I wa a terrible person for hitting him.

I couldn't see anyone. I tried to go to the cinema one night with the mother of my godson, who he had known for longer than I had, but he kicked up so much of a fuss I didn't get round to going, it was too late after the row he created. The final straw came when I was chatting on the phone to my uni mate and he threw an absolute shitfit and kicked me out of the house.

We split up for a while and then stupidly got back together for a month or so. But it didn't really work. I went round to break up with him for good ad he insisted on one last 'shag'. He 'made love' to me whilst I lay there crying my heart out.

I was so messed up by him and I don't even know why I put up with it. I can be a right gobby so and so when I want to and used to have a fairly firey temper. He took my confidence and my dignity and I have to say I hate him. It's hard to describe the constant depression and lonliness I felt whilst with him, but I swear he must have been trying to get dumped. It's his style, he's a coward of the highest order.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 21:46, 7 replies)

Sounds like a textbook domestic abuser.
He wasn't trying to get dumped. He IS just a complete cnut. Really glad you got out without major physical harm. Sad thing is that he is probably now doing it to someone else.
(St Sepulchre's Belle tolled for thee on, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 1:17, closed)

Bravo
Good for you for getting out. Your confidence and dignity will come back (they're evident in this post!) and in the meantime go out and kick some ass anyway.
(tinyninja, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 4:38, closed)

The guy was evil.
I absolutely despise people like that. They leave a trail of messed up people in their wake.
You did well getting out of there when you did.
*clicks*
(Big D, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 7:46, closed)

Well Done
You deserve more than that nut sack - well done and I hope that everything works out for you

Clicks.
(TAZ220 Not giving a toss since, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:31, closed)

Be sure to understand.....
That you were the victim of an abusive relationship. If you'd stayed there is a high chance that he would have killed you eventually.

The behaviour you have described is very typical of a person who can only feel emotion through control and violence.

I'm pleased you're away from it, this was never your fault, you did nothing wrong.

Please contact a helpline which helps people who have been victims of domestic violence. Some people who have suffered through it have their self-esteem damaged so much that they find it difficult to form normal relationships as they believe they deserve what they get/got with respect to violence and isolation.

This is NEVER true, no-one deserves to be treated this way.

If you are pro-active about what's happened, you will be able to spot the signs in potential partners and avoid it ever happening again, as well as developing your self-esteem back to it's normal level.

Please do message me if you want any advice, I used to work at a domestic violence helpline which helped women getting out of and coping with leaving violent relationships, I may be able to point you in the right direction with respect to the best place to get some support.

*much love*
(Jugular, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 14:40, closed)

Thank you
Thanks all. I feel a lot better now, it's been about 4 years and I'm mostly ok. He keeps trying to add me on Facebook and I have to say I'm a little scared he might post on here and realise I'm talking about him. Mind you, I moved away after uni so I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know where I am right now.

Tis nice to know that it wasn't me being a pushover, cos it's easy to feel that way.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 18:47, closed)

100% textbook domestic abuse
I work in the domestic violence unit for the police and the sad thing is you are not the only person living in that sort of situation and it's you we are trying to help. Instead we just get called out to drunk people who've had an argument over who was going to get the last chip and wants the other person "removed from the property"
I know you say it's been 4 years and you're mostly OK but never be ashamed to get any sort of help, these things can linger
I wish you all the happiness
( Roxy_Hart is so so old, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 20:47, closed)