Leave it to Ronnie Barker...
... and his classic sketch. Remember him in the half-suit-half-dress outfit?

(Seriously, would this be acceptable today? Even as satire?)

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Good Evening.
I'm from the Ministry of Sex Equality. I'm here tonight to explain the situation man-to-man. Or as we have to say now, person-to-person. My name is Mr-Stroke-Mrs Barker. But I don't advise any of you to try it. Stroking Mrs Barker.

Due to this new law, no-one is allowed to be called male or female, man or woman. This has already caused a great deal of argument in Parliament, so they're all going for a parliamentary conference at Manchester, or as it's now called, Personchester. They will all stay in nudist colony and air their differences. Members only, of course.

But how does this affect you? Is it easy to become de-sexed? Well, it can be, and I represent the proof. At least, one half of me does. The other half represents the poof.

The first thing we have to realise is that for too long, women have been beneath men. Not only in the home, but in the office as well. There are many ways we can change that: vertical desktops, for instance.

Now, the main area of change, of course, will be in the language. The 'man in the street' will become the 'person in the street'; whoever you are, man or woman, you will be the 'person in the street'. Incidently when I was in the street the other day, I nearly fell down a personhole, so be careful.

Now, certain professions will have their names changed, from the chairperson of a large company down to the humble dustperson. Not to be confused, of course, with the famous film star Dustin Hoffperson.

Speaking of films, there will be special feature films made showing the equality of the sexes: already in production, a new musical called "Seven Persons For Seven Other Persons", starring Paul Newperson with choreography by Robert Helperson. Music by Person Divani and his orchestra.

Now, dress. Dress, of course, you won't be expected to dress like this *indicates himself*, this sort of costume is much too expensive. Half a nicker certainly doesn't cover it. Each person can, of course, choose what to wear as long as it includes the customary shirt, bra, underpants and handbag. Shoes can be black or brown, according to individual taste; I myself find black shoes taste rather better than brown ones.

Jobs too will be entirely sexless, with one or two obvious exceptions. 'What are they?' you may ask? You may ask, but I'm not going to tell you on this program. Here is a clue: They have jam on them and appear at tea-time. Now, a job must be open to either a whatsit or a whosit, that is, a member of either sex. For instance, certain advertisements will not be allowed. Now, I have one here, in the local paper, and it says, if I can find it, ah, yes:

"Bar staff required for western country pub, male or female, must have big boobs."

Of course, that won't be passed by the Ministry at all, what he should have said was:

"Bar staff required, male or female, must be attractive, in the Bristol area."

That would have got passed.

A recent idea by the Ministry to avoid confusion is to call a man a "Doings" and a woman a "Thingie". This offends noone, and makes conversation clearer. Thus we instantly recognise the book called 'Little Thingies', or the musical called 'My Fair Thingie', or the play by George Bernard Shaw called 'Doings and Superdoings'.

There are times, however, when it sounds better to stick to the word 'person', the "person in the street" is still better than the "doings in the street". That's something to look out for and steer clear of.

Finally, don't let this new law alter your life, after all, what's in a name? As the great John Fatpimble once remarked: "I know, whatever we're called, my dear thingie and myself will carry on as usual, wearing each others clothes, and that, however we, the people, are thought of by the Ministry, tonight, all over Britain, all those thingies and doings will be together in front of the fire, as usual."

Good night!
(patently Was somewhere else on, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 11:51, 3 replies)

Ace.
Just ace.

*clicks*
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 12:49, closed)

"Half a nicker certainly doesn't cover it."
marvelous stuff.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 15:07, closed)

absolutely wonderful
He's sorely missed
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 17:16, closed)