Public transport flora & fauna.
As one of the increasing number of people who just plain can't afford the whole driving lark, I have to face the daily trauma of the Bus of Doom.

The service is generally fairly reliable, & vast majority of passengers are polite, & keep themselves to themselves. However, there are several common types of nuisance passenger I'm sure we've all observed, & I usually have to put up with most at some point on my hour long journey. Here is my little bestiary of bus twunts:

The Nutter - This person will usually insist on sitting next to you, regardless of where you are seated on the bus, or how empty it is. They often sing random bits of songs off key, or insist on talking to you about the magical pie fairies that live under their fingernails, & how much it annoys them when the fairies stay up all night eating purple bananas & listening to Will Young.

The Perv - Sits close to you, & leers with occasional drooling. Worse still, sits behind you so that they have opportunity to try & grope you when they pass. Even worse, gets off at same stop as you, causing you to run into your house or office at high speed. Occasionally makes disturbing fwapping sound.

The Gross-Out-Special - A person of such great repulsiveness, that you give serious consideration to getting off the bus & walking rather than sitting within three rows of this gelatinous, smelly, flatulent, drooling, unwashed creature in it's crusty & stained clothes. A window seat is essential to avoid a belly or armpit to the face when this person leaves the bus. So gross that you mentally make a note of where they were sat, & consciously avoid using that seat on the bus for at least a week.

The Mobile Phone DJ - Kindly provides music for the entire bus from his mobile phone. May have difficulty in providing this service later in the journey however, as the buttons become a little difficult to reach once other passengers have kindly inserted the phone into his rectum for safe-keeping.

Mother Chav - Gets onto bus with enough kids to start a football team. From the behaviour of said kids, I'd guess Leeds or Millwall. There's always at least one baby, which cries constantly, with mum making no effort to placate it whatsoever. As a form of revenge for her lack of attention, baby will usually have a crap of such ferocity, my hubby couldn't do better after an egg & baked-bean vindaloo. Meanwhile, any kids capable of walking or talking run up & down the aisle screaming. This is largely ignored, although mum will periodically scream at the top of her lungs for the kids to 'faaaarking shut it & siddown, you faaarking little shits'. They never do.

The Lazy, Moaning Cunt - When the bus is running late & overcrowded, every passenger loves the perfectly able-bodied chap or chapess who gets on the bus, spends ages having a go at the driver for being late, whilst painstakingly counting out their change &/or arguing over the fare. As everyone knows, these activities are bound to speed up the running of said bus. After ensuring that the driver is fully aware he or she is fifteen minutes late, they then proceed to get off at the next bus stop, a two minute walk down the road.

Kamikaze Bus Drivers - Yes, I appreciate your commitment to getting me home on time. If you know that the light is about to go red, please race towards it a breakneck speed in the hopes of making through, only to bottle it severely at the first hint of amber, slamming on the breaks & causing your passengers to fly several feet out of their seats & smash their faces on the back of the seat in front. And if your bus is overcrowded, cornering at high velocity is always a good idea. After all, many people lack human interaction these days, & what better way to get to know the person stood by your seat than having them fall on top of you?

And all school children present in groups of two or more - Sound on a bus functions in exactly the same way as it does anywhere else. So there is no need to shout at the tops of your voices. I'm sure the spotty little oik in the seat next to you is not deaf, & can hear you perfectly well. Chances are also very high that the majority of other passengers on the bus also have adequate hearing. It is therefore not a good idea to discuss their pros & cons loudly, or to bitch about the fact that I am sat on the back seat. You do not own the back of a bus, even if many of you do happen to resemble one. I am sat at the back of the bus because I have a long journey, & wish to be considerate to other passengers who are making a shorter trip. Also, if I am sat at the back of the bus, The Perv cannot sit behind me or walk past me, which is a bonus.

Speaking of Pervs; secondary school boys; you're perfectly right. What every woman in her twenties wants is a bunch of pre-pubescent zit-bags staring & pointing at her boobs for the entire journey. If you & your little chums want to see tits that badly, I'd suggest a mirror. In addition, it should also be noted that a loud farting contest is not the way to impress girls on a bus.

Length joke running approximately 25 minutes late, due to group of old women on visit to local bingo hall taking it in turns to tell the driver that length jokes were better in their day.
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Sat 31 May 2008, 14:41, 3 replies)

A fine rant! Well worth a click.
Especially for "You do not own the back of the bus, even if many of you do happen to resemble one."
(LongJohnBaldry, Sat 31 May 2008, 17:15, closed)

I spent about 14 sodding years commuting by bus.
I've met each and every single person on that list except for the perv. I've had kids screaming in my ear, bus drivers flinging the bus about like a rally car on badly lit country roads, chavettes introducing every body in earshot to the delights of DJ Fuckwit, lairy drunks and wibbling nutters and at least one little sod who held the bus up for ten minutes while he tried to guilt-trip the driver into letting him travel for free cos he'd "lost his bus fare. (I might have been more sympathetic if I hadn't a) just seen him coming out of the newsgents and b) seen him try the same trick two days before.)
I've had buses turn up late, early or not at all, sat in things I don't want to think about and been on two buses in the same week that had windows put through by stonethrowing yoof. And I've paid a shitload of money for the privilege! The day I took a lighter to my buspass I shall remember with joy forever.
So, from another veteran, have a click and a salute.
(Big D, Sat 31 May 2008, 17:55, closed)

You got lucky
When I saw the "comma-ampersand" scattered liberally throughout I decided not to read.

However the other replies encouraged me and I did. Have a click.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Sat 31 May 2008, 21:16, closed)