I used to work in a hotel...
... which had a 5-foot-tall wooden sign board of a chef holding a blackboard, that we wrote the day's specials on.

One of the guests, who had partaken of many fine local ales stumbled out of the bar, staggered and sidestepped across the lobby, and found his way to the taigh bheag blocked by this white-hatted diminutive figure.

"Gurrouw-ahwah way"

The wooden chef grinned cheerily back at him, silently announcing that today's soup had been cream of tomato and basil.

"GAHRAHTUH FUHUN WUAH"

The wooden chef flashed his winning smile, and just as silently as before proclaimed that the clams in white wine were only eight quid.

THUD. The pisshead planted one on the poor beleaguered wooden chef. What had he done to deserve this? Indecisively he swayed, his fight-or-flight reflexes stilled - curse this 28mm marine ply body! Sway, sway... and toppled forwards with his not inconsiderable 40-odd kilos, trapping his assailant underneath.

Decked by the wooden chef.

Length? Well if the base had been longer he might have stayed upright.
(gordonjcp, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 18:57, 3 replies)

One of my old haunts
Was genteel, and had a wooden coat/hatstand just inside the door.

One cold night, the local pisshead Edwin Dude (so called because nobody had finished him properly) headed to the door, missed and crashed into the coat/hatstand.

Edwin did'nt take kindly to being obstructed on his way back to his parent's house, and unleashed a Krakatoa of physical and verbal violence upon the now prone coat/hatstand.

The coat/hatstand shed some garments but came off better from the encounter.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 19:36, closed)

My dad hates those wooden chefs
When hes decked out in his chef gear he looks almost excactly like one, Tubby, Mousetache, Glasses and all. Poor lad.
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Sun 8 Feb 2009, 11:19, closed)

YAY!
that story made me laugh like a retard at a petting zoo.
(Mong goose, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 14:10, closed)