Not really clever or witty.
I used to go to the pub quiz at my friend's local every Monday evening, and a fair-sized group of us made up our team. We used to do pretty well, but rarely won, and if we didn't know the answer to a question, our reply was always "Thora Hird".

But all that's by-the-by. My aforementioned friend had another friend who she knew from college, who she'd only struck up an acquaintance with because they used to catch the same bus. He was known as Fat Gay Chris (for obvious reasons), and every week he'd turn up to the pub, start randomly insulting us until one of us snapped and said something rude back to him. Every week, before he arrived, we'd swear between ourselves that we wouldn't rise to his bait and wouldn't be rude to him, because it wasn't fair. And then every week he'd walk in and say something horrible.

One week, he decided to pick on our lovely friend Lisa (who has since sadly passed on), and he started calling her ugly. Lisa, despite being very pretty, was always very self-conscious about her looks, and this rather upset her. We tried a few times just saying "leave it out, Chris, that's not nice" etc, but to no effect. Until one of us snapped and said "Just shut up, you fat bastard".

"I may be fat", said Chris. "But I can do something about it. She's ugly, and she can't do anything about it".

"But, Chris", I replied. "You're fat AND ugly".

That shut him up.
(Iris_Wildthyme is three sheets to the wind, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 7:11, 1 reply)

Not Oscar Wilde
but just as effective
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 9:03, closed)