Thoughts buried deeper than those miners
My temptation here is to shower you all with an array of spiteful comments about my cheating ex of nine years. Instead I'm going to show a bit of backbone and reveal some reasons why I made it a crappy relationship, going for the cathartic angle.

Met her when I was seventeen, we broke up in May 2009. We have lived together for eight of those years and owned a house together for the last two. During our second year she cheated on me with an internet fling, they met up under the subtext of her visiting her parents. She tearily confessed to me just over a week later not out of guilt as I thought back then but because it was only a couple of days after her mother ripped her father off and ran off with a con artist! My list of mistakes begin here. I forgave her.

I say I forgave her but in actual fact I engaged in some crafty self-deception and simply buried all that shit in the back of my mind out of fear. I feared losing her, feared the thought of being alone. I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't be able to find somebody else, I still haven't now but that's out of not looking. Understand, my self-confidence has always been in short supply, often masked by false bravado, so I figured if I lost her either by kicking her out or her simply leaving that I would not be able to replace her.

In a rare moment of personal honesty it all blew up a couple of years later when I was due to move overseas for business for six months, we broke up the night before and reconciled hours later. Out. Of. Fear. Scared, yet again, that once I lost her I wouldn't find anyone else, ever. Fresh cement was laid down on top of the feelings and we proceeded on as ever. The entire time my trust in her was diminishing and my longing to connect with her was failing.

So I'm a coward. Even up until the point of her leaving. She was seeing some random prick who was happy to be a third wheel behind my back, I knew it was going on but said nothing. It was then that she pressed the self-destruct button on "us", she asked me about marriage and proposals. Like the night before I left for Brussels I was cornered into a bout of personal honesty, that honesty being me in complete silence when she asked me if I wanted to marry her. A week later we separated with civility, I even helped her move out to her new flat down the road, even gave her stuff that I bought with my money. Not fearing that I'd lose her this time but still scared of what she thought of me, I couldn't dare be nasty and tell her just how I felt. I still suffer from this problem.

We had plenty of good times like most bad relationships do but ultimately it should never have gotten past that first train wreck, I'm sure most of you will agree.

So there's my confession. I'm often terrified of what people think of me and I have the habit of burying the emotions that are most important and the worst part is I don't know if I've learnt anything yet from this. It's been nearly 18 months and I've yet to pursue anybody else and if I suspect somebody thinks badly of me I pretty much break out in sweats. Having recently moved to Australia from the north west of England I'm hopeful that such a radical move is evidence of some sort of change. I just hope that I'm changing myself and not simply my location.

Length… approx 10,400 miles.
( blitheringidiot semi-lurker status achieved, many thanks, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:01, 5 replies)

very honest of you
I think a lot of people have known this "fear", but there is nothing better than finally letting go of a bad relationship
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:19, closed)

Dont look for a new partner, just yet.
I don’t want to get all touchy feely on you, but you need to build faith in yourself again. That you are valued by others and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

PS. Get some porn.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:30, closed)

Actually
I have been enjoying the single game since it came along, my first go at it outside of being in school. Still got a lot of rebuilding to do, the absence of faith I mask quite well from those around me. Porn... Hmmm.
( blitheringidiot semi-lurker status achieved, many thanks, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:34, closed)

Gaz me if you're in melb.
I'm in the south east and know a pretty good group of people for hanging round with and feeling better for it.
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 10:38, closed)

I had that problem too
I stayed 3 years longer than I should have. Eventually I realised that being alone was better than crying myself to sleep every day.

I'm now happy and accepting that the worst that can happen is I become a crazy cat lady. Though I would prefer dogs :)
(xanthine, Sat 23 Oct 2010, 11:24, closed)