Hello Skegness!
(or Skeggy, as those locals who have mastered the power of speech affectionately call it).

Hello to Skegness Railway Station. The end of a meandering little line from the East Midlands, it’s serviced by infrequent, dirty, scabby little trains taken by assorted oiks who smoke, drink and litter the carriages as if they were their own disgusting front room.

Hello to the world’s greatest concentration of static caravans and trailers outside of America. Millions of people, it seems, make their way to Skegness to holiday. Some choose to stay. Forever.

Hello Butlins. You might think holiday camps can't be that bad, you might fondly remember watching Hi-De-Hi. You're wrong. Billy Butlin himself opened his first ever camp in Skegness and it's been downhill ever since. The dregs congregate here to forget.

Hello to the seafront. ‘Skegness is so bracing’ goes the slogan. No it isn’t, it’s fucking freezing. Cold and windy, all the time. Raining for the most part too. And the sea itself? Filthy, of course, the brown water of the North Sea endlessly churned up in the Wash, making paddling or swimming (if you can bear it) akin to being trapped in the washing machine with a bag of sand.

Hello to the Jolly Fisherman, official town mascot, dreamt up by a railway marketing executive in the days when British seaside holidays were something to aspire to. Nowadays the pitiful, ruddy-cheeked fat man running along the beach looks like a sex offender fleeing from the mob (another scene to look out for in the holiday snaps)

Hello to a piss-poor selection of run down amusement arcades, greasy spoons, shops selling utter crap and ‘family pubs’ frequented by arguing, violent tribes of Neanderthals, swigging watery lager and shovelling plate after plate of burger and chips down their greasy, bloated necks.

Hello to the local nightlife, not least Flirtz lap dancing club. You could be forgiven for thinking you'd somehow landed in at the Moulin Rouge, or one of Pigalle's other legendary bordellos and burlesque houses (that is, if you were an imbecile). Replete with its regiment of vile, tanorexic strippers (and noted for its curious use of a Reliant Robin, painted in corporate colours of pink and purple and parked strategically around the town as a mobile advert to pull in the punters), Flirtz is the zenith of a visit to Skeggy. After this your likely destination is hospital, since no night out in the town is complete unless you've been glassed and then beaten up.

Hello Skegness! Wish you weren’t here.
(Lo Pan is in big trouble, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 14:02, 7 replies)

Had
to go to school there for a couple of years. Dreadful place (almost as bad as Boston.)
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 14:55, closed)

skeg isnt THAT bad
Boston is a complete dive.
Its also the most obese area of Britain. Which I find odd as I can never see them...
( unsey a frizzy haired fruit since, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 15:19, closed)

Skegnesss
just has the typical sea-side town problems. Boston is where the genetic mutations went wrong
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 15:27, closed)

is it a bad thing that skeg was my nearest beach?
Okay when you are a kid and its a sunny day skeggy isn't that bad. Or when out with mates. But I agree with everything you said, and I would never live there, even if I got a lifetime of free rides at the "theme park" in ingoldmels.

But watch out, if my mother read that she would hunt you down. She was born there you see.
( unsey a frizzy haired fruit since, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 15:15, closed)

Oh Skeggy!
Gateway to the mysterious East..

Took the Little Sparklets there once, and as I looked along the seafront all I could make out was parents with their right arms raised, then lowering them swiftly to hit their children, then raised, then lowered quickly. I pointed out to Sparklet minor that this was the "Open Air Formation Child-Beating Capital of Europe"... Oddly, they both behaved impeccably after that!
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 15:42, closed)

Love it!
Superbly written!
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 30 Oct 2009, 16:52, closed)

Skeg
You forgot the tattoos. Apparently it's compulsory!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Sun 1 Nov 2009, 8:23, closed)