I once had to tell someone
that they were to be made redundant due to company downsizing. It was one of our junior workers, a diligent, cheerful fellow in his mid-thirties, who had a wife and two small children to support. Everyone liked him, he was a good worker, his sick record was impeccable, and he always scored Exceeded in his annual review.

But fuck that. We were strapped for cash, so the cunt had to go, and his duties spread around other teams in the office.

I always believe the best way to deal with redundancy is to tell the affected person as soon as possible, so as to squash any rumours, and to tell it to them straight. Then let them collapse into a blubbering snot-nosed heap in front of you, and then quietly and politely extricate oneself from the meeting, and go for a power wank. I'd done it before, and I'd do it again - many times, going by our plummeting bottom line.

And so with this in mind I invited the oblivious employee for a quick 'chat.' He blanched a bit when I said this, as everyone knows that the worst thing a manager can ask of you is to come for a quick 'chat'; but I smiled and reassured him that it wouldn't take long.

He happily followed me into Meeting Room 2.2 and sat opposite me, a vague smile playing over his bland, good-guy features. I felt an erection begin to stir, and shifted in my seat as I clasped my hands on the table.

"Bill", I said [name changed obviously - it was John really], "I'm afraid I have some rather bad news for you. You will be aware that we are undergoing a period of business reorganisation at present."

I paused. All the colour had drained from Bill's face, and his eyes had widened in shock. I knew then that he knew, and that my next words were almost irrelevant.

"Due to downsizing we can no longer afford your post, so we are terminating your employment with us, so you will be made compulsorily redundant in three weeks as of today which we have a right to do according to your contract of employment."

I watched with interest as Bill sort of... melted... in front of me. First his eyes closed, tears squeezing through his eyelids. Then his mouth twisted as he emitted a choking sob of despair. His shoulders slumped and he collapsed head in hands over the table, his body racked with shuddering sobs as he wept in utter and complete despair.

Lush!

I was now fully erect, and couldn't help flicking the V's at Bill's abject carcass as it howled and squirmed before me. I then intoned in the most callous monotone I could manage: "Counselling is available for all staff affected by the downsizing. Please contact the Staff Counsellor, you will find their details on the Intranet."

I then stood up to leave, my erection making this somewhat difficult.

Bill's twisted, destroyed form writhed beneath me, and he managed to twist his gaze in my direction. "Bubleraghaghegoblublagheraaaaagh!" he said.

I shook my head sadly. "Believe me Bill this hurts me more than it hurts you. And who knows? In the current climate it could be MY head on the block next!" Like BOLLOCKING FUCKTHUNDER it would.

"Please," the victim gasped. "My family... it's Christmas... please... gluberooberaargherblaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

But I was already on my way out of the room and Bill's cries receded as I took myself off to the executive bathroom for that well-deserved power wank.

Very soundly, next to my beautiful wife, thanks for asking.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 21:44, 9 replies)

Lovely stuff.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 15 Jan 2013, 7:15, closed)

I bet this is exactly how 2Can does a cancer diagnosis, only with more wanking.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 15 Jan 2013, 8:54, closed)

Awww, dude.
I kinda love you atm.

I needed that giggle.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 15 Jan 2013, 9:24, closed)

Two Ringos?
Hasn't the internet exploded yet?
(McChinaman banned, Tue 15 Jan 2013, 9:55, closed)

Hasn't even begun.
*I think he hates me and wants to shiv me*
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 15 Jan 2013, 10:00, closed)

I bet he doesn't even go to the bathroom, he just whips it out there and then

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 16 Jan 2013, 10:53, closed)

You've done a fine job at Jessop's and HMV.
I expect your knighthood is in the post.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 15 Jan 2013, 9:21, closed)

John's a prick anyway.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 15 Jan 2013, 11:38, closed)

Did you not tell him
to stop being such a little girl when he started to sob?
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 15 Jan 2013, 11:41, closed)

Needed more Piers Morgan

(Elephant Balderdash attempting to bottle the absurd, Tue 15 Jan 2013, 20:13, closed)

I just felt my dick move!

(yourmumonastickwithmintsauce, Tue 15 Jan 2013, 22:18, closed)

You were Bill, weren't you?

(cs1ca, Wed 16 Jan 2013, 0:28, closed)