Whoooooosh!
At school, I was never particularly good at maths or science but I excelled at English (oh, those were the days).
When I was young and innocent, I should say around 11-12 perhaps, we were instructed by our Biology teacher to do a project on the reproductive process. I stalled and stalled and finally, exasperated, the teacher offered me a way out.
"As you're so interested in English subjects rather than the sciences, why not write a poem?"
Brilliant! thinks I. And so I set to work.

I'd just like to point out that this *was* back in the day and JUST before all innocence was lost and I set about it with gusto.
Upon handing it in I noticed the teacher was very pleased. In fact she seemed extraordinarily pleased. She was certainly smiling a lot.
She gave me an A* immediately. But that's not all.

She later came up to me in the halls and asked if I would like to do something special as my poem was so good. She asked that I write it out on a HUGE piece of A1 paper "complete with illustrations" for display and I would get extra credit.
Revelling in for once being the star Science student, I did this also with relish and gusto.

A few years later, I found out why I was given this extra special treatment... I was allowed into the staffroom where I saw my work of art displayed in a VERY prominent position.
There, in all its glory, was my unintentionally hilarious, extremely detailed and highly emotive poem about sexual intercourse, complete with smiley faced sperm all over the page.
I can't remember all of it although I believe the highlight of the poem was reaching the crescendo of the "sperm's race":

"Faster and faster they race fit to burst.
Who will be the winner? Who will come first?
Harder and harder blood pumps to keep it firm.
And then!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! Here comes the sperm!"*

I'd wondered why different teachers kept muttering "Whoosh" around me. :o( Bastards.

First post. Please be gentle. Apologies for length - you should have seen the full poem!

*Ok, so I wasn't exactly Coleridge, admittedly...
( MademoiselleDave is drunk and on the internet again on, Sun 16 Aug 2009, 16:21, 8 replies)

That is rather splendid.
.
( john3ners has relocated to the Highlands, Sun 16 Aug 2009, 21:45, closed)

You must have been
"Special".
(McChinaman banned, Mon 17 Aug 2009, 0:02, closed)

Clicks you sir.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 17 Aug 2009, 0:47, closed)

Bwahahaha.
Might "flesh this out" and write it in crayon.

Then leave a copy in the staffroom here.
(Scritty Bakerman., Mon 17 Aug 2009, 5:03, closed)

Just....wow
Fantastic
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Tue 18 Aug 2009, 16:57, closed)

**applauds**
Funniest thing I've read in ages! :D
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Tue 18 Aug 2009, 23:16, closed)

So good
that I changed my board sig in homage. Massive *click* from me
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 19 Aug 2009, 11:15, closed)

*blushes*
Wow. Thanks for your comments and clicks - means a lot to a shy first timer like me! chart cat - it truly is an honour.
*blushes some more and hides behind mummy's skirts*
( MademoiselleDave is drunk and on the internet again on, Thu 20 Aug 2009, 9:31, closed)