My friend is often labeled a sexist...
Her: "My EYES are UP HERE!"
Him: "You've spent the last 30 minutes going on and on about your fucking cat despite everyone here trying to change the subject, apparently being rude, self absorbed and inconsiderate is our theme tonight, I'm gonna run with it."

He continued to stare at her tits for the next half hour, determinedly, like they were bombs that'd go off if he looked away.

She decided to call it an early night.
----

Him: "Man, I hooked up with an older woman last night."
Me: "Yeah? How was it?"
Him: "I couldn't stop looking at her hair."
Me: "what about it?"
Him: "she was riding me and all I could think was "Hi ho Silver, away!""

-----

Her: "My boyfriend is an immature sexist asshole."
Him: "What's he do?"
Her: "Whenever we argue he's all "Oh what do you know, you're a woman" and when he's wrong about something he won't admit it - he'll say "Woman, get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!", it's just so wrong it drives me up the wall - it doesn't even make sense - what can you come back with when someone says that shit?"
Him : "Well, you should 'come back' with a sandwich - if you know what's good for you."

I was eating a sandwich when they had this conversation in front of me (probably what sparked it off), the look on her face when he said that made me snort lettuce and mustard through my nostrils. It hurt.
---

Him to his gf:
"Why do I always drive? Cause it's my fucking car.
Why don't I want to go shopping? Cause it's my fucking money.
Why do I want to have sex all the time? Cause you're my fucking woman, unless you're not my fucking woman - in which case, I'll get me another woman - who'll do some fucking."
Her: "I hate you."

He's often single. Equally interesting - he's often not single...
---

The line that lost him his job:
"Yes, I called you "hon", you know what I call him? Fuckhead. He's not complaining, you know why? Cause he's not a fucking twat."

HR heads are so often women... so, you know, the logic was lost on her.
----

Him: (pointing to two women on the side of the road by a broken down car) "I think they're whores!"
Me: (wtf?) "Yeah man, highway whores in suburbia, it's a whole new thing. I bet they make a fortune."
Him: "Fuck you - Road head is awesome. Let's go back."

The thing is, it *would* make the work commute a lot nicer, and you could use the high occupancy vehicle lanes... stress would go down as soon as they did...
----

One of his stories:
(warning: contains explicit sluttiness (of both genders) and I can't vouch for anything but the first part)

"So I'm dancing up this girl and she reaches back and she grabs my crotch while lookin over her shoulder at me. It's kinda hot sure, but all I can think of at that moment (other than I'm gonna score tonight) is - she doesn't even know my name yet. So I go along, but since I've had this thought - I never introduce myself. Not like she's really bringing it up you know? Instead I keep using these little pet names, baby, honey, darlin, and she's doing the same. And at the end of the night after we've both had a fine fuck - she's cuddling up next to me and telling me she thinks we have something really special.

And I'm thinking "with WHO?"

So, I told her I thought she was special too, and that I'd been looking for a long time, and that I was happy she felt the same way, and we started talking about how good we work and all this positive lovey shit and I started having sex with her again and I was pouring on the lovey talk and she's all sensitive from the first time and I'm really fucking her silly and she was cummin really easy and going out of her head and barely able to think and I started saying over and over to her "Say my name! Say my name! Baybee I LOVEEEE you! SAY MY NAME!"

It took a while to get through her sex haze but she finally heard me and I got to watch her face while she tried to say it and realized she couldn't remember it... she was trying so hard to remember my name, but she was under me and I kept pumping away at her and she could barely think, her eyes are rolling back up in her head but I keep laying it on her "baybee I gotta hear you say my name, lover, please just say it for me and.." and I'm doing everything I could to keep her going towards a really big O and she's falling apart trying to think and she making these weird noises and scrunching up her face and I finally figure out she's starting to cry while she's cumming but both at the same time so her eyes are crinkled and tearing but her mouth is wide open and gasping "oh my god" from the sex so it's coming out all "Oh my god!" when she breathes out but then she's sobbing and hiccuping when she breathes in and it's "(oh my god) (sob) (hiccup) (oh my god) (sob) (snort) (OH MY GODohmygodohmygod) (aaaaaah!)" and finally she cums really hard and her whole faces scrunches up and she kinda sits up and I pull out and as she sucks in this really long ragged breath with these little crying hiccups I put her hand on my cock and she starts jerking me off onto her stomach and she bawls out this tortured wail "Baybee I don't know your naaaammmeeeee!!" and I cum all over her.

Best. Fucking. Sex. Of. My. Life."

---

I'm surprised they're not married.

And I think having some length is grand.
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Tue 5 Jan 2010, 20:30, 8 replies)

I loled so hard at this!
The crying girl at the end had my sides splitting! :D
(idle insomniac enjoys listening to Sigur Rós at stupid hours, Tue 5 Jan 2010, 21:38, closed)

fan
bloody tastic.

please tell your friend he is my hero.
(Raol Duke, Tue 5 Jan 2010, 22:14, closed)

Never mind the length, just feel the Y chromosome.
This for the WIN.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Tue 5 Jan 2010, 23:06, closed)

Evil
But so much win.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 6 Jan 2010, 1:50, closed)

awesome
no caveats required.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Wed 6 Jan 2010, 2:18, closed)

This is so full of win, I'm surprised it doesn't explode.
Your mate is my new hero.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 6 Jan 2010, 3:41, closed)

I think I know this guy
Charlie Sheen in "Two-and-a-Half Men," right?
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Wed 6 Jan 2010, 4:35, closed)