Classroom farts
I know this is a classic in my profession, but one that I feel deserves a mention.

When I first started teaching, like so many I used alcohol and comfort eating as a crutch to get me through that difficult NQT year. It was not an easy school, and in my first term I began to drink Tennents Super with an alarming regularity for someone with a job and a roof over their head.

One night I had quite a heavy Tennents session coupled with a massive curry.....a vegetable Naga with all the trimmings, blow your head off spicy, just how I like it. The next day my stomach was brewing some terrible treats. How was I going to survive in the classroom?

I felt a big fart brewing whilst teaching Year 7 History, and suddenly it hit me what I should do. I went and stood next to a kid who I knew would be blamed for the toxic fart, pretended to look at what he was writing over his shoulder, and let out a massive silent but violent, then walked off. The heaviness of the hot curry/ tramp juice fuelled fart meant that it took a few seconds to hit the noses of the other children, at which point I was at a safe distance. "Eurghhhhh.....[kid's name]!" the other kids began shouting. The boy began to protest, so to add authenticity I joined in with the class: "That was absolutely disgusting! If you are going to do that again, I suggest you go outside! I will not tolerate smells like that in my classroom!" I was really laying it on thick, in the hope that no-one would suspect me.

I thought I was really clever, but when I relayed my antics to some of my colleagues, apparently it's a tried and tested staple! xx
( lucifer101, Sat 18 Jan 2014, 14:18, 3 replies)

Brilliant

(McChinaman banned, Sat 18 Jan 2014, 14:39, closed)

This also works for sexual assault.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 18 Jan 2014, 14:53, closed)