Parking Twat
This is a tale of someone thinking they own a parking space on the queens highway.

Picture the scene:
I am driving to my dear mummy's for Easter Sunday to giveth and receiveth the chocolate eggs that Jesus went on the cross for as is traditional. I spot a ball of paper in the road and think nothing of driving over it as is my want, only for the ball of paper to deliver a spine juddering jolt through my body and deliver what I thought at the time was a fatal blow to my tire.

I pull over and stop the car straight away and go to check the tire which thankfully is intact, so I turn my attention to the paper ball which had attempted to destroy me and my car to see what super material it was made of.

Upon picking it up I discover that to my shock it was not made of paper at all, but was a lump of concrete wrapped in bacofoil, wrapped in a paper sign that said "NO PARAKING!!!!"(Exclamation marks and poor spelling were actually written on aforementioned paper)

To I say was enraged would be an understatement.

So imagine my rage increasing further when I hear coming from the front of the house outside which this car-destroyer is situated
"Oi, what are you doing with my bollard?!"
I spin round to see a mess of a man, a truly horrific spectre of grim ugliness, I then stop looking in the window at my reflection and raise my head to see a little old lady emerging from her house, rolling pin raised, curlers in, Nora Batty eat your heart out.

Apparently the "bollard" is there to stop people parking in front of her house because it spoils her view, SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A CAR AND THE VIEW IS SHIT.
I explain to old lady that leaving rocks disguised as paper in the middle of the road is not appropriate behavior, and that anyone can park on a public road which she disagreed with so I did what any enraged person would do and stole her rock so she could no longer inflict the warcrimes that I had been subjected to!

This displeased the old lady who threatened to call the police, after which I politely told her to fuck off and do one before I stoved her head in with the rock. The tune changed very quickly and she broke down in tears.

I felt like superman.
(Jimmy Large Is huffing Jenkem on, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 11:14, 6 replies)

I love this.

( Pig Bodine., Fri 13 Apr 2012, 12:29, closed)

*clicks* Was it an Audi or BMW that you were in?
(CaptnJack isn't really called Jack!, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 13:52, closed)

Neither
Ford Fiesta, but given my response to her verbal assault was an escalation of further abuse I fully expect to be receiving my M3 through the post any day now.
(Jimmy Large Is huffing Jenkem on, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 14:25, closed)

Excellent! You get another *click* for being a good sport and taking the joke with the humour with which it was intended! :)
(CaptnJack isn't really called Jack!, Fri 13 Apr 2012, 15:35, closed)

This just wins
the amount of stories you read with pensioners being complete twats and people just remaining polite and understanding "because they're old". Truly took the wind out of her sails my man have a click.
(Captain Sensible "I'll be your animal in a yellow plastic bin", Sun 15 Apr 2012, 14:31, closed)

I love this.
People that try to claim the piece of road outside of their house do my head in. The inability to spell must be part of the symptoms of their shared disease as I used to regularly find notes such as "Park on you're drive that's its their fore" under my windscreen wiper when parking on the road in front of my old neighbours house.
( Evil Bastardo, Mon 16 Apr 2012, 16:34, closed)