One of several.
It was one of several failed attempts to do the deed. Alcohol was my nemesis in those days ...

I was on holiday with several of the lads in Tenerife I believe at the tender age of only just 17. In the apartment above our were a group of 20 year old Mancunian lasses. Balcony flirting ensued and before we knew it we were in their apartment trying to look cool and probably failing miserably.

A pint of mixed spirits was passed around, including vodka, tequila and whisky. The idea was that maximum kudos and cool would be awarded to whosoever drank the foul brew. Unfortunately my inexperienced and malformed pride dictated that I would be the one!

After downing the aformentioned devils piss, one of the girls took a shine to me. I remember her skintight supergirl dress to this day.

She took me to one of the bedrooms in the apartment and whispered sexily to me "C'mon then love lets get down to it. Oh, and we're going out drinking afterwards so lets make it good eh?"

After some inexperienced fumbling involving easily four fingers (FOUR!) the sticky deed was fast approaching. I slipped on a condom and then .... the sickly brew of potent alcoholic spirits went straight to my cock who decided that now was a good time to do an impression of an understuffed chipolata.

At this point I recall stomping off to the bathroom and staring blearily at myself in the mirror. I pointed to my deflated appendage and exlaimed loudly "Come on you utter bastard! This is it!".

Unfortunately for me, the lazy worm had decided to sleep it off and didn't as much as twitch. It was crunch time.

I stomped back out of the bathroom and so as not to admit defeat started to go down on the now impatiently rampant Manc-whore.

Unfortunately approximately 3 minutes into this, another part of my body started to rebel against the surfeit of alcohol in my blood stream. This part was my stomach, which started to churn wildly.

As an upshot of this I sat bolt upright and (god knows why) exclaimed "Please may I go to the toilet!?".

Not waiting to hear a response, I dashed off and forgetting to either shut or lock the toilet door began to loudly vomit into the toilet bowl.

Little did I know that the evil whore had grabbed a video camera and was busy capturing close ups of my spasming arsehole as I was wretchedly vomiting.

I woke up the next day, naked in the apartment hallway to the spitefully gleeful cackling of my so-called friends (who had just been treated to a premiere of last nights filming) and a stinking hangover from hell.

The last I heard of it was that the footage was being shown around Manchester by the evil bitch whore as an example of the worst (near) shag experience she had ever had.

Meh.
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Mon 7 Mar 2005, 22:15, Reply)