» Heckles

reading festival, 2004
50 cent have just come on. cue every single bottle in the main arena being thrown in his direction (unfortunately it had been rather soggy - so not as many bottles as usual) and, finally, a camping chair, which hit mr cent himself. the absolute highlight of the (fairly brief) show was the young lad i saw, about 6 or 7 years old. he was sat atop his fathers shoulders, holding up a large sign that read, simply

'your mum cost 50 cent, you cunt'.

ace.
(Mon 10th Apr 2006, 8:05, More)

» Call Centres

I install callcenters for a living
its mostly pretty dull, but mostly the staff are better to look at than programmers, so its not all bad

anyway a by-product of this is that I know all of the OFCOM rules and regulations. For instance

If someone calls you up, they must answer the phone within 2 seconds of you answering, or drop the call with a pre-recorded message, or can face a massive fine if you report them.

If they do hang up, they're not allowed to dial you back within 72 hours, except manually calling. if they get this wrong, they face a massive fine if you report them.

In addition, all automated outbound calls must present a local rate or free number on their CLI (the thing that tells you who's ringing). if they get this wrong, they face a massive fine if you report them

This is useful to know to put the shitters up a company who is annoying you, or you can actually report them and see what happens. Barclays got fined 50k last year, and they're not alone..
(Sat 5th Sep 2009, 9:43, More)

» Impulse buys

my birthday, 3 years ago..
after a fairly heavy night to celebrate getting old, I awoke one morning with little memory, and a very sore head. I nipped to the local shop, got a bottle of coke, pack of bacon and the obligitary cornetto. once these were completed, i decided to log onto my emails, see if anyones wished me a belated birthday.

I was rather surprised to see 4 emails in my ebay folder. 'probably spam' thinks I, and click to see them.

The emails appeared as follows

8th May, 5.15 am - thankyou for bidding on ebay item ...
8th May, 6.00 am - congratulations - you have one ebay item ...
8th May, 6.05 am - thankyou for your payment for ebay item ...
8th May,10.00 am - your ebay item, number ... has been dispatched

It appears that, having got home at around 5, I was summoned by my own brain to go on ebay, bid on an item, wait 45 minutes for it to finish, pay for it, then fall asleep and lose any recolections of the previous activities.

3 days later it arrived. I was the proud owner of this (ebay link)

snipurl.com/ihgnc

according to my mates, there had been someone playing in the market diner (local late night foodery) and I was smitten. to this day, I can barely play a note.
(Thu 21st May 2009, 13:52, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Ignoring instructions
How to ignore instructions :

1) dont read the rest of these instructions
2) click 'i like this'
(Mon 8th May 2006, 17:22, More)

» The Police

i've several (arse..) but i'll just detail a few here..
i do have a nice hatred of police due to the last story. they have been reasonable to me since, but tbh, they shagged my life up considerably that time, so now i have contempt for em. i know thats painting everyone with the same brush etc, but thats the way i am...

anywyas, first story - driving back home to brighton one night - as anyone who knows it will know - off the end of the a27 there's a biiig roundabout and the road goes from an nsl dual carrageway to a 40. its wet, i'm in a rwd car (volvo 340 *snigger* before any of ya ask). its 1 or 2 am, having been to visit the old folks for a while.. anyways, approaching the roundabout, theres a pair of headlights in the rear view mirror. slow down a little (to 40ish) steer onto the roundabout, steer right and then boot it as hard as i can (not very hard in a 1.4 you understand).. rear end slips nicely out of line, and i come off at my exit at a very odd angle. straighten 'er up and continue down the road at 50 - i dont normally speed - but its pretty easy to on this road (very wide) and no-one was about. 10 secs later there is a pair of blue lights in my rear view. fearing for the worse i pull over, hofficer comes round as i roll down the window

'skews me son, did you know that..'
*me shits sen*
'..one of your brakelights it out'
'is it officer? lemme take a look'
*proceed to walk round the back of the car and thump it*
'works now see - dodgy connection'
'ah ok, on yer way son'

now the bizare thing is, the last time i had used my brakes was before the roundabout, so they musta seen me go round it sideways and speed down the road - but no mention - let alone a warning - of it was evident..

2nd tale is about a year later. similar car - i've driven down to devon (folks live there) picking up my bro (from bath uni) first. theres a queue of traffic thru some devon village which seems a bit odd, at 1am, so i join the back of the queue. it starts moving after a minute, then from the front of the queue i spot a copper turning off into a side road - he'd presumably been bolloking someone. i keep watching and he does a U turn in the side road, then pulls out behind me just as i drive past. hmm i think, and keep to 29mph thru the rest of the village (drivers in front havent noticed and bombed off doing 50). keep driving in a 'pass your test' mode and come to the end of the village. about 50 yards from the nsl sign i accellerate a little, get up to about 33mph a yard from the sign and the lights come on. fucksocks thinks i. officer comes out

'why were you driving so slow'
'well, the speed LIMIT is 30, i was keeping within that limit, doing 29, because you were behind me'
'ahh you spotted us then'
'yes, i'm hardly likely to speed with a copper behind me am i?'
'hmm. well most people who drive carefully this time of night are trying to avoid attention. you been drinking'
'only water'
'right. whats all this stuff (bros computer, general life piled onto the back seats) then?'
'thats my brothers stuff, i picked him up from uni'
'ah, well, you see there have been some burgleries in the area'
'by people driving 15 year old volvos?'
'well.. no.'
'have a good day officer'

drive off home. still doing 1mph less than the speed limit till he foooked off thou :)

final tale actually preceeds the first 2 by a couple of years. i'm renting a place at uni (cardiff, i was on richmond road) which was owned by a 'mates' parents - over the course of the year they had turned out to be complete cnuts. no music or tv on after 10, my other mate wasnt allowed his gf round and had actually moved out, etc.. anyways, come may (just before end of year exams) my musses is due down for the weekend - she lived up in bangor so when we did manage to see each other, we were fairly occupied for sizable chunks of the weekend... the day before my 'mate' tells me his mum will be down over hte weekend to do an inspection. i tell him ok. on the friday, he tells me that she'll be coming down that evening, to which i respond thats fine as long as i'm not otherwise occupied. so the musses arrives, and we get down to business.. 20 mins in (go me \o/) there is a knock at the door. twich i reply 'not now'. and carry on.. a short while later i'm done and am sitting chatting nekked on the bed next to me musses. up pops 'mates' msn window, starts going on about the state of the hallway or some such. i reply, and mear seconds later theres footsteps up the stairs, and his mum knocks on the door. 'not fucking now' i reply, and she bursts in anyways, clutching a camera. 'get the fuck out of my room' says i, with myself and the musses both nekked. she refuses, so i repeat myself. her still refusing i pick up the nearest object (happens to be an a4 pad of paper) and throw it at her, it hits the door near her face, i get up, walk to the door and force it shut. thinking thats the end of it, i proceed to get dressed. 10 mins later the cops arrive, and arrest me for abh (thats for when you've broken someones bones etc), i'm carted off to a cell, bird has to wait outside for hours. apparently the woman has scratches to her face (not broken the skin), and a bloody nose (due to stress) i'm charged, let go on bail, and sent home. cops take me home. now, on a side note, my contract to the house (because the owners were fucknuts) said i had sole tennancy, meaning i was basically the only person living there. so legally they werent allowed inside (dispite 'mate' living there). police refused to eject them, and forced me to stay in my room overnight.

cut a long story short, i moved out shortly afterwards (they tried to force me out but failed). and got sent to court. now dispite her trespassing, invading my privacy, refusing to leave, and myself using reasonable force to eject her from my room, i'm told by my useless 'free' lawyer to plead guilty to assault. i do, mainly to save my musses, who i'd put thru enough, having to go to court for a day as a whitness etc. i end up owing fines of £30 and fees of £30. (much much less than normal - I thought i was going to end up with ~£200 or some community service - the magistrates obviously thought it was a pisstake but felt that they had to do something as i was pleading guilty). sillybint didnt even go to the doctor, so they couldnt have done anything anyways - i blame the lawyer bloke for this bit, but its the coppas fault to start with..

anyways, i text other mate who lived there the result of this, and get this back as a response



made my day :)

appologies for length and general rambling. good to get it off my chest mind - if i could write like some of yous, it'd be on the front page, you knows it. clart.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 8:44, More)