» Breakin' The Law

Never been arrested but....
I was the only driver in my circle of, well let’s just call them friends and leave it at that and so I was duly appointed the designated driver for all eternity. No alcohol at all for me but all the soft drinks I could down. Woo the excitement of nights out for me.

So picture the scene. 3am, Saturday night, clapped out Nisan Micra full of lads singing badly to the long wave radio as I try desperately to not stall the seriously overworked motor.

Unsurprisingly I was pulled over and as I opened my mouth to talk to the policeman my tongue chose that exact moment to tie itself in a knot.

“Can I help you Ossleffer?” I slurred.

They ask my ‘friends’ if I’ve been drinking and they all found it really amusing to say that they had been buying me drinks all night.

So out of the car breath test, completely clear of course but that’s not good enough. I must have been drinking because four eyewitnesses have just staggered forward to testify and in one case throw up a kebab on my window. I had to take the test again in another machine before they would be satisfied. So now it’s time for random searches along the lines off.

“What’s in the boot?”

Now I was dreading this because in the boot of my car was two swords an axe and a flintlock rifle. All from my role playing kit, yes I run around in woods hitting people with a latex covered weapon that would normally be enough to get me arrested I’m sure, so it’s made of foam or in the case of the rifle balsa wood and plastic. Now believe me when I say there is nothing that will relax a police man when you have to tell him there is a cache of weapons in your car, even if you start it by saying “They are all props”

Finally I got let go but sadly from all the stress I completely forgot that all my friends were sitting along side the road and not in the car when I drove off.

What a pity.
(Wed 7th Jan 2004, 21:42, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

In Australia during the last Ashes
I was staying in Adelaide in the same hotel as the England cricket team. I shared a lift with Nassar Hussain and over head him discussing who was going to be out through injury and who was going to replace him.

Wish I'd though about it at the time and placed a bet on it.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 22:59, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

And these people teach our young?
A couple of years ago I was working for the local council in the education department. My job, aside from the unoffical solving of any and all computer problems, was processing the Criminal Record Bureu Disclosures (CRB forms).

So around two years ago there was a lot of hassel over the system not being implimented properly because new teachers wouldn't have thier clearances back in time to start in September.

Cue me working my way through the forms.

Irrate teacher: My clearance hasn't arrived and I start work in a week.

Me: I take all their details and have no record of them and tell them this.

IT: But you must do I start work in a week.

Me: When did you send your form in?

IT: I have it right here.

Me: So I returned it to you?

IT: No I haven't had time to post it yet.

Then an argument would start over the fact that even if they delivered it to me by hand that day and I checked it all in front of them so that it didn't have any mistakes it would still take 4 months to clear. Having of course to be sent to Liverpool during the rush of every other education department trying to clear all thier teachers at the same time.I

It's sad that these are the educators of the future.
(Wed 31st Dec 2003, 8:49, More)