» Heckles

not a heckle per-se but my mate stunned a comedian once
was at some comedy club in london a year or two back for a mates birthday, he'd imbibed a large amount of the party juice and was about as sure-footed as a one-legged mountain goat in an avalanche.

just before the start of one of the acts he gets up to go and grab a couple of pints, the comedian starts up and is getting into the flow of things when my mate returns pint in each hand and starts shuffling along our row (and this is important to note: the rows were crooked and halfway down they made a 30 degree angle to go down the side of the stage and at this point there is a small step) my friend not realising there was a step trips over it, he shouts "oh fuck" and then down he goes like a sack of the proverbial, outstretching his arms in an attempt to break his fall, however he's still clutching his two pints so as he falls he slams the two pints perfectly flat on the ground, the glasses remain intact but the resultant force causes all the beer inside to be ejected straight up into the air causing two 6 foot beer fountains that rained down on everyone in a 2 row vicinity.

the comedian having heard my mates shout must have turned just in time to see the beer shoot up in the air from behind some seats and was so puzzled he actually stopped talking and just stared for abut 10 seconds with a confused look on his face and forgot totally what he was saying.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 15:17, More)

» Child Labour

Jesus' Nature Reserve
as a youngster me, my cousins and some friends were playing in the local park when the local nutjob (jesus look-a-like with long hair and a massive beard) came over to where we were playing and said he had a proposition for us. like any sensible youngster we werent to taken by the sound of this. until that is, he told us there was a gameboy in the offering if we helped him out.

so of course we all gathered round as he told us all about how he's been working with the council to help make the estate nicer and they had given him permission to build a pond right where we were standing in the middle of the park. he also said if we helped him he would buy us each a gameboy out of the funds he'd been given to say thank you for helping.

so off we all ran back to our houses to grab whatever digging implements we could find and rush back to start digging. and dig we did. for about 4 hours we toiled away until we had a nice 4 metre square hole about a foot and a half deep and a giant mountain of mud beside it. all the while 'jesus' sat on the bench eating cheese and some apples that he was slicing up with a huge fúck off knife whilst he oversaw our excavation.

it was at about this time, an old woman walked past somewhat bemused by the goings on but we reassured her "it's ok, the council told us to do it". seemingly unconvinced she left us to it, only to return a few minutes later with the boys in blue, who through the use of expert detective work determined the guy did not in fact have permission to dig anywhere and he was in fact merely a raving nutter.

when the probability of each getting a gameboy started to seem highly unlikely we decided to cut our losses, so we all legged it to avoid any kind of remonstration, meanwhile the police forced jesus to fill the hole back in on his own.

and that was how the essex constabulary put paid to what would no doubt have become the 8th wonder of the world... the jesus gardens of basildon.

apologies for length/width/height/girth/circumference/etc...

p.s. the crazy fool did actually come good on his offer and a couple of the lads who helped in the digging did get a gameboy to share between them.
(Fri 17th Feb 2006, 20:30, More)

» Crap meals out

the pizzler in sizzler
this story is one of my fondest memories of my younger cousin who passed away a few years ago from cancer and also a rather unpleasant dining experience.

when i was 9 or thereabouts my mum and i lived with my uncle and his famly in australia for about 6 months.

shortly after we'd arrived in the country the whole australian contingent of our family thought they'd take us to a sizzler restaurant for a big meal as we didnt really have big all you can eat buffet restaurants in england back then (1990) so it was something of a novelty.

the restaurant was heaving that night and we waited ages for our table to be ready, when we were finally seated i was sat with my two cousins at the end of the table and their mum disappeared to the other end to try and have a nice quiet meal.

the younger of my two cousins was only about 2 at the time and was playing up a bit as he wanted to run around and cause havoc (as any self respecting 2 year old might) but we made him sit down instead. once we'd started eating he complained he wanted to go to the toilet so i told his mum but she just ignored him (i think she'd partook of a little too much wine as was beyond caring if he made a scene). so his protests continue until it gets to the point he stops shouting and just stands up on his chair, drops his trousers and unleashes an arcing stream of piss through the air onto the table and all the food thereupon. his mum still doesnt really bat an eyelid so i jump up and pull his trousers up (i was a rather responsible 9 year old) and tell another adult what he'd done. cue a hasty request for the bill and an even hastier exit from the restaurant by our whole group. the look of shock on the faces of the other customers sticks with me until today but it was the one guy who was with his wife/girlfriend who saw it happen and laughed so hard he nearly choked that made it all the more priceless.

and that is my favourite memory of my departed cousin, the little pisser.
(Fri 28th Apr 2006, 13:29, More)

» Stuff I've found

one day when i was a young lad
I was due to go visit my dad but had opted to go swimming with my cousins before hand (planning to catch the bus from town after to my dads). The only trouble with this was that we'd been having so much fun i lost track of time and going as fast as i could would effectively get there at least 30 minutes later than planned (and being before the advent of mobiles for kids with no way to let him know i'd be late).

So i rush to get dressed and run off towards the bus station as fast as my little legs could carry me but as i round a corner just on the edge of the town centre i spot something purple under some grass at the edge of the pavement so I stop to see what it is... a folded but very brand new looking £20 note. score!(pun very much intended)

Now at a much more leisurely pace I pop into the nearest newsagents to buy myself some sweets (i'd worked up an appetite swimming)

so with pockets laden with chocolates, drink and crisps not to mention £15 in notes plus some spurious coinage I flag down a taxi and get to my dads at the exact time I had promised.

I pay the cabbie with the £5 note from my pocket and get out. I greet my dad once indoors and immediately tell him about my great fortune on the journey there.

"... and the best bit is I've still got over a tenner left, see" says I proudly concluding my story only to reach into my pocket to find I did not in fact have a tenner at all. at some point between the newsagents and getting out of the cab i'd lost it.

I tried to be pissed off about it but I think something out there that saw my misfortune (being late) and decided to lend me a hand by providing me with some money to take care of my more pressing needs (the taxi) and then it took the rest back to help the next poor soul who happens to find it in its new resting spot.
(Fri 7th Nov 2008, 0:50, More)

» Pathological Liars

what happens down under stays down under
As a wee nipper of roughly 8 years of age I emigrated to australia for 6 months with my mum leaving our home, family & friends behind.

My best friend who we shall call Jay for tis his name went to a different primary school to me and prior to my departure his mother had commented to me how excited he had been about my trip and how he'd been telling his school friends all about it.

Fast forward 3 years and let me set the scene, its the first day of secondary school and there's lots of scary new people to talk to so you have an awful lot of 'hi my name is happysnapper what's your name?' going on about the place.

So imagine my suprise when in the middle of one such conversation when my newfound chum adopts a puzzled look on his face and says 'wait, happysnapper? That can't be right you're dead'

Turns out my BEST mate had enjoyed telling everyone about my antipodean exploits so much he went on to tell them I had been eaten by a shark whilst swimming off the great barrier reef and apparently was inconsolable for weeks after.

Can't wait till he gets married cos that ones going in the best man speech.

Length? Up to about 30 feet if it was a great white.
(Sun 2nd Dec 2007, 7:05, More)