» Toilets

Finding things
The "work toilet" theme seems to be coming up a lot, possibly because it's where you're exposed to the peculiar toilet habits of your fellow man. Only the other day I found a kiwi fruit skin on the floor in a cubicle at work, exactly where you'd expect to find it if someone ate a kiwi fruit while sitting on the crapper and then dropped the skin on the floor. Why?

Our best work toilet find was brought to us by the Health & Safety Committee minutes (they are, surprisingly, always very entertaining). A member of the maintenance staff had found 11.5kg of porn stashed in the false ceiling of the 1st floor toilet. The reason that it was a health & safety issue was, of course, that 11.5kg was above the safe load-bearing capacity of the false ceiling. We later tried to work out what 11.5kg of porn looks like. It's a lot.

If only it had fallen through the ceiling, knocking some poor sod unconscious and leaving them on the loo surrounded by filthy porn.
(Sat 3rd Sep 2005, 9:07, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Friend's wife
Used to wonder how train drivers steered trains. It must be a terribly hard job, you see, because the tracks are really narrow and the train would fall off quite easily.
(Sat 8th Jan 2005, 19:13, More)

» Worst Record Ever

Bryan Adams
"Everything I do (I do it for you)"

I was a student when this came out (in the spring?). I buggered off home for the summer. And came back. And it was still cranberrying number one. WHY, IN THE NAME OF FUCKING WATERMELON?
(Tue 2nd Dec 2003, 18:28, More)

» Toilets

Sudden evacuation
After an unpleasant bout of Campylobacter food poisoning a few years ago, I'm left with a slightly weak bowel. It doesn't bother me often, but maybe a couple of times a year I get really painful cramping pains. I know that within about half an hour, the entire contents of my digestive system are going to shoot out of my arse. This usually takes two visits to the shitter.

Last year I was in a nice pub in London (near Waterloo) when this happened. It has a Thai restaurant out the back in what used to be the garden but is now covered over semi-permanently. The loos are at the back of the pub. First visit to the loo, I evacuate a goodly amount of material and return to my table to sip some water. The cramps return. I return to the gents. The cubicle is in use so I wait, almost doubled up in pain. A bloke emerges from the cubicle and says "Whatever you do, don't flush it, it's blocked or something and it's coming up out back. Points to the Thai restaurant" My second attempt leaves a fascinatingly conical pile of shit above water level in the toilet, with the sides liberally pebble-dashed. I fight the urge to flush, but I can't leave the toilet in that state. I flush, and leave the pub fairly rapidly.

Apologies to anyone who was eating a Thai meal at the time.
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 18:13, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

Mould
I have a suppository mould. Got it from a previous job when we were moving buildings and didn't need our suppository moulds any more.
(Thu 4th Nov 2004, 11:06, More)