» Stalked

Early Internet Days
I had a girlfriend at College and, since I had attended an all-boys school, this was both novel and frightening for me. I knew pretty much nothing about how these otherworldly creatures thought or acted so, instead of asking, I decided to create an internet persona, who could legitimately be a nob, to find out.

Since I IM'd in pretty much standard English, my new persona wud abrv8 an jst sound all lulz n b crazy n that.

Whilst I was talking with her on IM, I logged in my alter-ego and "randomly" bumped into her and started trying to chat her up.

"r u single?"
"no, I have a boyfriend"
"he must b really cooool?"
"we're not serious"

OH REALLY?

I split up with her shortly afterwards, citing suspicions of infidelity. Sadly, she wasn't at all phased and starting seeing my mate.

Epic Fail.
(Fri 1st Feb 2008, 10:36, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Racial Epithets
I was out on a double-date with a friend in jolly Manchester (Sinclair's, if you know it) when the flower salesman came up to us and offered us a chance to woo our respective dates with an investment in shite roses.

I respectfully declined, but this guy was not giving up and continued to push the benefits of buying a shite rose.

Hearing an unwavering "no", from me, he turned to my mate and uttered, "Now that's a Jew's smile if I ever saw one."

A Jew's smile?

Not being a Jew, I didn't know if this was a common racial assault to endure, but I decided that I would, on behalf of all Jew-kind, stand up and be counted.

"Excuse me, you can't come over here and racially abuse me just because I'm a Jew and don't want to buy your shitty flowers."

"It's a figure of speech mate"

"No, it's a racial epithet. I couldn't tell you that you had a 'Nigger's Run' and expect to get away with it."

Yes, he was a black man. And yes, that was a silly thing to say, even though I thought I was fighting for good.

Still, I didn't end up buying a rose.
(Mon 15th Dec 2008, 11:56, More)

» Tramps

Cash Machines
I'm not typically known for my compassion, but one thing that really grinds my gears is, well, two things that really grind my gears are:

1. tramps that sit at cash machines. This is not fair-play. So many times have I seen young girls scared shitless and giving the mumbling, gurning hobo some money just so he will leave them alone while they try to get some money and get through the night un-assaulted.

2. "Got any spare change, mate?" Now then. "Spare change"? Isn't having "spare" change kind of like admitting that you earn too much? There are no things in your life for which that money could be put to better use? There are no things in the world that you can think of that are more pressing a need for this extra money you seem to have lying about? You have no debt, your mortgage is paid off, you don't use credit cards, your elderly mother is in a paid-up, expensive nursing home, your children are all fully funded and not having to work through Uni, and now, you, my hobo-friend, have finally made it to the front of my payroll. Instead of quitting my job, that I clearly don't need, since I have now found myself with spare money, I will GIVE you my money.

Easy now.
(Mon 6th Jul 2009, 21:32, More)

» Tramps

Not Very Funny, But Sadly True
I used to live with a mate in Manchester City Centre. We lived off Oxford Road in one of the cube-shaped apartments.

After a typical night out the road home was paved with what I came to call, "the pseudo-homeless". As we negotiated our way into Monsoon's (god rest its artery-clogging soul), they were everywhere - the whole variety show; stinky-dude, aggressive-dude, glum-dude, pissed-dude, change-for-a-cup-of-tea-dude, change-for-the-last-bus-dude..

That night, we got into a debate about my "lack of heart" versus his naivety about the pseudo-homeless. A gauntlet was laid down:

"Go and get a pasty from the Spar and give it to that pseudo-homeless bell-end sat over there. See what happens."

My mate, convinced he couldn't lose this one, skipped in and returned with a Ginster's pasty.

As he made his way over to the pseud, time slowed and I could hear classical music - it was like the docking scene in 2001: A Space Oddity. Their paths were set to cross and a well-meaning, yet naive, young man was about to feed a homeless tramp out of little more than compassion and the desire to win a bet.


"What the FUCK am I supposed to do with that, dickhead? Give me some money or PISS OFF".
(Mon 6th Jul 2009, 21:24, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Bluetooth Name
Two events had fallen together:

1. I had a new job
2. Tool had released 10,000 Days

My Bluetooth name on my phone was usually something like "GodlessAtheist" or "HerGhost", but because of #2, above, that day it was, "ILikeToWatchThingsDie", which if I recall correctly, only just fit.

My boss decided to send out some contacts that I would need, and decided to do it by Bluetooth.

"What is your phone called?"
"Err, 'herghost', I think"
"No, I've only got 'Nokia 1234' and 'ILikeToWatchThingsDie'"
"Oh. Yeah. That's me."
"Funny; that never came up in the interview"

:s
(Sun 2nd Aug 2009, 16:28, More)