» Food sex

hated them before, hate them even more now...
what? you may wonder?

Cadburys creme eggs, yuck, absolutely gross chocolate covered pus type things.
Anyhoom, me and the then Mr Butterface were going for a meal with my parents so theyre driving us up there when the convo gets onto creme eggs. my parents smile at each other and proceed to describe in crippling detail, how they used to eat theirs, apparently half up my mum, and half on fathers cock. I havent eaten one since, i wont even have them in my house. Needless to say the meal did not go well, and mr Butterface promptly buggered off and never called again. And this is why my parents have never met another mr Butterface.


Length? Fathers inabillity to send text messages to the correct people when drunk has ensured i also know the answer to that *cries* my parents have ruined my life.
(Tue 11th Aug 2009, 17:41, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

i am seriously going to hell...
My 5 year old neice was being a little cow this evening, she said she hates me, and wishes id go away. Im just learning to drive, and I thought I would use this to my advantage in the battle that would shortly ensue.
me: Fine, well you should know that you arent getting any Christmas Presents ever again!
Cass: yeah I am, Santa loves me, he will bring me presents!
Me: No he *wont*, I just ran him over in my driving lesson, but on the plus side we have venison for tea!
Cass: (through tears) w w w whats venison?
Me: Rudolph! Now get to your room and think about what you've done!
Cass: YOU! you KILLED SANTA, I HATE YOU, YOU MURDERED CHRISTMAS!

its been 2 hours, and she is still in her room sobbing :S


im REALLY going to hell.
(Thu 11th Dec 2008, 19:00, More)

» Helicopter Parents

i was raised by my nan
well she mollycoddled me from the day i arrived. growing up I was allowed to have almost anything I wanted, she did everything for me, she cooked, cleaned and raised me to be quite spoiled. Yet I was never allowed out, not to friends houses, not allowed friends back, not allowed out to play as a kid, not allowed boyfriends etc. when i left for uni at 18, she paid off my overdraft several times when i was in trouble, she sent me money so i didnt have to get a job. This has left me in a strange situation. She died a year ago last jan, id moved in again after dropping out of uni and traveling. I was having to sort everything out, which failed miserably. its now 20 months on, I have debts piling up, bailifs at my door, I cant cook, i dont know how to look after the garden, so i have 2 jungles outside my house. Im moving away in a week to start uni again, and this is the turning point for me. I have to learn how to look after myself, as i wasnt given the opportunity as a child. please do not mollycoddle your kids. believe me, it doesnt turn out well, you end up with an adult who doesnt have a clue of what to do.
(Sun 13th Sep 2009, 14:39, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...*wavy lines*
I used to work in a call centre as I have said several times before on here, anyhoom, I left an important doc on my desk, so rang the work mobile to get the manager to look after it. Not thinking put my phone in my pocket and went out on a date with my flavour of the month. Copious amounts of alcohol later, I stumble through the door with Lee, 5 seconds later we're at it like rabbits, stuff olympic gymnasts would be proud of!
The next morning feeling extremely satisfied, but hungover to hell, I was thanking the Lord Dog Almighty I wasn't in work till 2.
Get ready.
Go in.
Everybody is staring, pointing and sniggering.
So I ask the lad next to me what the hell was going on, 'have a good night last night eh?'
By this point last night was a hazy nightmare away, I'm wondering what the hell I had done while i was out, when my manager comes up to me.

Manager: This is not going to be easy to say.
Santa: What isnt?
Manager: I am taking it you had a lot to drink last night?
Santa: Yeah, why? what the hell is going on with everyone today?
Manager: There was a...voicemail waiting for us on the works mobile this morning. Do you know anything about it?
Santa: Oh god I didnt ring up last night saying how much i love everyone did i? (has happened before)
Manager: No. This was more of an...intimate nature.
Santa: huh?
Manager: Im going to play it for you.
*hands me phone, I listen, tears filling my eyes, face growing redder than a letterbox*
Santa:...
Manager: see?

On that voicemail was about 5 minutes of unedited, porn quality soundtrack. My Phone was in my pocket, We hadnt got fully undressed,Id not locked my phone, and had redialed the last number.
I was so happy I had already booked from the next day the week off. Humiliation didnt even cover it.
Moral of the story? ALWAYS LOCK YOUR PHONE!!!!

Length? Actually quite surprising!
(Thu 6th Aug 2009, 3:51, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

mikeyboy
I had to give up work recently because my new manager was being a twat (subsequently because of him 'forgeting' to pay a load of us he has now lost his!) he made my life a living hell so i gave 2 years of hard work up. Looking for a new job has been a nightmare, ive ended up temping for the last 2 weeks and praying i get taken on permanantly at the lovely company im at. Anyway i digress, ive had no money at all due to lack f job, havent paid my bills for 3 months, and my lovely fella mike, has stepped in and helped me. Weve only been together since august, but he has put up with me being upset and moody, and even gone so far as to take me the last 3 or weeks shopping for groceries, buy me fags and basically support me, even though he is also looking after his little sister, his mum who has cancer, working 7 days a week at uni, and running car boot and antique fairs. He also volunteers at a homeless shelter giving people free legal advice about getting rehomed and debts and stuff. He likes to pretend he is a big tough bloke all the time, and i know it must get to him, but he is a great lad. And to him, for the last few weeks, im eternally greatful :)

appologies for length, geez im actually filling up writing this lol, someone shoot me !!haha
(Sun 5th Oct 2008, 18:01, More)