» Famous people I hate

David Cameron
...but, really anyone who went to public school & has started half-way up the career ladder, then transited to the career escalator by ritually excising their scruples, love for humanity, logical consistency etc.

Because I went to public school, 13-18, which means itchy uniform, isolation from females, enforced religion, enforced participation in sports (actually, that wasn't so bad, since you could get away with busting an enemy's nose in, if you were sufficiently contrite, as if it were accidental), lecherous* teachers, isolation from females (I'm harping on but it's effectively enforced virginity for all but the best connected)... and then everyone you meet thinks you've been advantaged. Because you can read ancient Greek to GCSE standard.

I'm not a Hedgie & I'm not Brew Crew... I've found my own niche without having to Mockney, much. But fuck "Dave", because he'd be nothing without the class system, and he LOVES it.

* I don't hate gays, now, but I did when I was 14, when they were in a position of authority, and unashamed about how much they wanted my arse
(Tue 9th Feb 2010, 16:43, More)

» Caught!

Good old 14.4k modems
It could have been awful. And my elderly relation might have gone to the grave ten years earlier. But at that bitrate, any choice was an illusion. My hand was forced (as it were), I chose text over images, and with my hand resting casually precisely, in my lap, to the observer I may as well have been perusing... well, I've no idea what alternatives might have been available, not being one to rack up a conspicuous phone bill. Doubtless, detailed deconstruction of the Dwarf's continuity cockups could have flowed from my fevered fingertips using usenet, but perchance this particular pensioner's peepers did discern smut from smegups, either optical obfuscation or cerebral self-censorship avoided the antiquarian's appalling awareness of artful auto-arousal.

I'm awfully anxious about "artistic" ascii accelerating away aesthetically and avoidably. Well, why wank wearily wishing wepwoductions of witless white women would want your weaselly willy while wily writers warp weality into wapturous ewotic wisions which wifey would warely wecognise as

[Aaaaaah! My mum just caught me alliterating!]
(Thu 3rd Jun 2010, 17:32, More)

» Professions I Hate

Lecturers
I'm supposed to be on their side because they're all getting laid off at the minute but really, they are such a bunch of bitches... if you don't turn up to their lectures, they seem to want you to fail. The Internet's been around for bloody ages, the university has Adobe CS5 so if you can't put handouts online that at least are as informational as Wikipedia, what exactly are you for?

Lets see how this exam goes...
(Thu 27th May 2010, 13:46, More)

» Little Victories

Missed deadline for last qotw + this week's similar enough for it to work = win!
Like many of you (it seems) I grew up in one of those shitty nondescript towns where everyone's a bit depressed. Nobody smiles, even the kids; grey buildings gradually falling apart; whatever Michael Fish says somehow you know it's going to piss with rain all day. The best thing to do is to get out any way you can... and if you don't, somehow you have to stop yourself going crazy. My way of doing this (but of course) was practical jokery.

Now compared with some of the sick fuckers on here (being more of a lurker I won't mention names) I like to think I have a healthy, robust sense of humour. In some places, though, anyone who likes a laugh is considered a bit weird. I like to think my pranks were always well intended, and the person affected would be able to look at themselves and say -Well, maybe I sort of deserved that! Some of them, if I may say so, verged on artistry and may be recounted in a separate post. Briefly, though, I always tried to send people up for their own shortcomings, like Mr Moneybags (name changed etc.) who somehow never paid for anything, or the stoner who never ever left his flat. And another bloke - bit of a pervy, and frankly needed a talking to... my solution was perhaps a little cruel but the young lady concerned was in stitches! (I've half a dozen of these for another post... too much length etc.)

Of course, there's always someone who doesn't get it, and in my town there were two of them - I'll call them William, the old one, and Dave. In fairness, the old git wasn't that bad, probably as depressed as everyone else, but Dave was just a self-righteous, angry cunt. Thought he was God's gift... so why the fuck did he move to our town? His wife was hot though. Anyway, first they started following me around, which is scary enough in itself, but what took the biscuit was when they broke into my flat. Bang out of order if you ask me.

Now, I always say that the times when you're about to lose your sense of humour are the times you need it most. Obviously this was one of those times. So I pranked Dave proper: I sent him his wife's head in a box and he shot me. Win!
(Thu 10th Feb 2011, 12:52, More)

» Trolls

One night 1994
14.4 dialup, Compuserve chatrooms, half a bottle of my dad's whisky and the (online) population of North America. Banned for racism. Against the Welsh. God I was proud of myself.

Go 14-year-old me! Long gone now but may still be seen in the peripheral vision... on Youtube.
(Tue 24th May 2011, 18:01, More)