» My computer gave away my secrets

I discovered in the autocomplete
of my colleague's computer at work:

"Gay saunas Watford"

Prior to his business trip to um. . . Watford.
(Fri 10th Feb 2006, 13:46, More)

» Misunderstood

I
told my girlfriend the other day that I had a shameful secret in my sexual past.

I said: "I once fucked a melon."

She heard: "I once fucked a man."

Cue a very very long silence.
(Fri 7th Oct 2005, 13:53, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

Here we go again
One from the ladies in our office this time. One of the girls I work with (as is traditional we'll call her George, 'cos that's her name) was overheard the other day saying:

"Ewwwwww. I don't like tuna.


It tastes like fish."

Fucking brilliant.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 15:50, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

When I was in Uni,
I went out with a Swedish bird. For nigh on 3 years I lived with her and her best mate (also Swedish). So being surrounded by them jabbering on in their native tongue pretty much 18 hours a day left me with a fair understanding of the language. It was good enough in fact to overhear conversations on the tube from people speaking Swedish to each other. I'd pick up pretty much all of the conversation, and I even managed to get a fair bit of the slang they were using.

Anyway, one evening on the DLR on my way home from the pub, I heard two Swedish ladies speaking in their mother tongue going on about what they'd been up to after the pub the previous evening. Obviously assuming that they couldn't be understood, their conversation gradually became more and more interesting as they were discussing the men they'd ventured home with.

Just as my stop was coming up, one of them mentioned something about how much the guy's "massive cock had hurt her" and I couldn't hold the laughter in any more. . .

They looked at me bemused, so I stood up, smiled, said "Jag pratar Svenska" (I speak Swedish) and got off the train. . .

:o)
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 12:07, More)

» Fire!

While still living with my parents at the tender age of 17
I was out in the back garden one Sunday morning while they were out, having a sneaky fag whilst still in my dressing gown.

I was sitting on one of the patio chairs, with my feet up on the other, and went to light my cigarette with a match. As I struck it, it lit, but snapped, with the lit end falling onto my dressing gown, which promptly caught fire.

My natural reaction was to jump up, in the hope of causing the source of the fire to fall to the floor. However, this resulted in the fire shooting round my dressing gown and up my back *whooomph* and setting fire to my youthfully-long-hair.

Cue me dropping my dressing gown, and jumping up and down on it in nothing but my slippers.

I know why they say smoking's bad for you. . .
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 9:27, More)