vibrating luggage
you can probably guess what i'm gonna say already, but every time i recount this story it makes me do a laughter wee. names and places have been changed a little bit to protect the guilty.

i was with my girlfriend vicky in new zealand and it was her birthday. we go out, get very drunk and decide to visit a sex shop. while vix isn't looking i buy a rather large black vibrating dildo and some batteries. we're due to fly the next day, so upon our return to the hostel i quite undiscretely secrete the dildo into her suitcase. we wake about 3 minutes before we are due to fly so panic sets in. vicky discovers the dildo and finds it hilarious. she wouldn't have found it hilarious if it not were for the alcoholic stupor, says thanks but she'll leave it here as she has me to satisfy her lady urges.

but no, i aint leaving $50 of black cock for the simple reason of price. so i chuck it in my hand luggage and manage to transfer it back into her suitcase en route in the taxi. we get there just in time and check the luggage in, go to the gate and get on the plane.

but what on earth is the delay? the captain says we've now missed our take-off slot and have to wait another half hour. the reason he gives is that there is a "sound emanation" from the hold. we sit and watch the suitcases come off the plane. vicky leans over and asks me why they are inspecting her case. its definitley hers cos its fucking massive and fucking pink. a member of the ground staff boards the plane and asks if a miss victoria markham is on board. the daggers i get from said (now former) girlfriend are enough to draw blood. she storms off the plane knowing full well what i've done. but this is the best bit. in clear view of the whole plane, vicky opens her case and pulls out the wobbling phallus to rapturous applause. but wait! she cant turn it off, its stuck to vibrate more violently than michael j fox in earthquake country. for a good ten minutes groundstaff grapple with the cock before vix rips it off them and hurls it on the floor. only this managed to pop the battery cover off and bring the vibrating fun to an end.

anyway, i get a good old bollocking from vicky and the groundcrew. but the best bit is that we get pissed on the plane and she lets me up the dirt track in the toilet 5 miles high. bonus!
(Jazz Bloke Music has charms to soothe the savage breast, Fri 3 Mar 2006, 13:35, Reply)