Finland
A few years ago I went to Finland, I hate flying, and it pretty much fucks up my ability to think rationally
I had to change plane in Amsterdam, this all went well.
Upon a arriving in Helsinki, I have no idea where to go so I follow everyone else.
We are made to walk though a doorway in single file, I had managed to get quite near to the front.
Upon passing though the door I noticed a black lab, having had one as a pet I thought oh look at the nice dog and patted it on the head as I walked past. This caused two of the customs officials to jump on me and drag me out of the single file queue. I suddenly realized what the dog was there for, catching people coming back from the dam with some smoke. The other passengers all started mumbling and looking at “the nasty drug smuggler”
The customs people start shouting at me in Finnish the only word I could understand is hashish, so I start with my babbling defense, I was only in Amsterdam for an hour I didn't leave the airport, no I don’t have any. I'm suddenly frog marched to passport control where my pockets are searched, I fort this isn't going to be to bad, when suddenly I’m asked for my “Papers” my passport and tickets are taken away, panic sets in big time now. I’m just waiting for the SS to turn up now. It still hadn’t occurred to me being innocent would mean they would soon let me go.
I'm lead away to a small room and questioned by some one with virtually no grasp of the English language. He then tells me to drop my pants (I closed my eyes and prayed to every god I could think of.) Once the search is over (luckily no cavities where checked) he tells me to go and get my suitcase so they can look though it. Off I go, by now mine is the only one left of the baggage thing, I pick it up and noticed the lock on the zips is gone, I very quickly reach flap factor 10. I'm convinced I'm being set up, so I make the walk back to customs, fully expecting to be spending the next 10 years in prison. I go up to the bloke who told me to get my bag and he just says sorry we made a mistake you can go and hands me back my passport and ticket. I nigh on ran out of the airport. I never found anything in my suitcase :(

I returned to England with a girl I met there, she was 17 bit young but I wasn't thinking straight (foreign beer and vodka.) We go though a passport check point, and start toward our gate, we pass a little desk, where a women says something in Finnish, the g/f replies in Finnish and uses the word Eng-landy-line (means English, and was something that she used a lot to describe me to anyone who spoke to me, and usually meant I wouldn’t have to talk to them) the women smiles at me and then says “can I have your passport please” I hand it over as does the g/f, Knowing the g/f will handle the rest of the chit chat I start looking round the airport, I turn back to the women who is giving me the most disgusting look, I thought what the fuck now, do I still have seal pup blood on the baseball bat I’m carrying, she hands them back to us, and away we go.
On the plane I ask the g/f why she looked at me like that, to which I get the reply, “she probably saw my age on my passport”
Me: “so”
G/F:”The age of consent in Finland is 18”
Me:”You fucking what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I was shitting it big time now, fuck the flying I’m waiting for a crack squad of armed nutters to pile into the plane and give me a beating, luckily the rest of the flight was plane (excuse the pun) sailing
(lost at the beach, Sat 4 Mar 2006, 14:12, Reply)