so many horrors
many many... like another on here, i am blessed with fewer than the average number of legs (which by definition is less than 2.. think about it) - so am always setting off alarms. Cue many hilarious events where chap patting me down comes across 14" of carbon fibre... although it's never been removed, it usually leads to a more in depth check of my other belongings; so, dusseldorf last year, usual rigmarole with beeping, lights -a-flashing etc, and me explaining about prosthetics. All good, but he then made a point of going thru my coat, on the conveyer xray thing.
as a dirty smoker, i have a lighter on me most times - this time i had a Zippo that was a pressie from mrs 2 shoes. The hulking great cherman chap seized this like it was a winning lotto ticket, and told me i couln't take it onto the flight. Bristling a this, as i wasn't about to lose my lighter, i asked why... he opened the lid, ran his finger along the edge, and told me it was too sharp and could be a weapon.. twunt. So i did what any good B3tan would do in the face of such idiocy, and pissed myself laughing. Instead of him getting angry and wheeling me off to all manner of unspeakable interrogations, he looked sheepish and then decided to find a better reason. So - i kid you not - he opened the zippo, poked the cotton wool wadding inside with a pencil, then told me it could be used to start a fire. I casually mentioned tht it was a fucking lighter, what in the name of all that's holy did he think it was for (and by the way what did he think the gas lighter he'd already looked at and given me back was for)? nonetheless, he sent a minion away to get something, and lo! she returned with some tweezers and an envelope, and made me pull all the wadding out and put it in the envelope, and told me if i wrote to the airport it could be sent back to me... he seemed to be having a terrible time understanding why i was honking with laughter at his very inventive interpretation of travel laws....


couple of years previous, swung my backpack up by the straps off the luggage carousel at heathrow, as i spun and took the weight i felt some resistance and heard an "ooooofff" noise. Turned round, to see Pierce Brosnan clutching his groin from where i'd smacked him in the double-oh-pods.... MI5? Bond? pah. You're not that hard....
there are many more but if i stop now i'll not have to apologise for length; against my principles.
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Mon 6 Mar 2006, 12:29, Reply)