Cat Attack!
I used to live in a first floor flat, with my wife & 2 cats. We had a cat flap in the kitchen window at work-surface level so the cats could get in & out via a sloping roof outside the window.

I found out that an unneutered tom cat was entering the cat flap and filling his face from our cats' bowls, then pissing high-stink tom cat piss around the place just so we knew he'd paid a visit.

I resolved to ambush this cat to 'teach it a lesson'. This was the plan - One night, set the cat flap to 'in only', then wait up for said tom. Catch him in the kitchen, grab him by the scruff of the neck and eject him via the front door. That'll show him.

So, one night I flicked the catch on the cat flap so he couldn't get out, and went to bed. I sat up in my dressing gown reading a book, with our 2 cats asleep on my feet (keeps them nice & warm).

I dozed off.

Around 1am I awoke and realised that the faint creak of the cat flap had aroused me. Our 2 cats were still at the end of the bed, but looking alertly toward the door. Clearly the perpetrator had arrived! Time to show him who's boss.

I trod oh-so-quietly to the kitchen, but shouldn't really have bothered. There was tom slamming food down his neck as fast as he could and making an unbelievable racket as he did so. Sounded more like a herd of pigs at the trough. Anyway, he became aware of my presence and bolted for the cat flap, leaving a trail of cat food that he'd crammed into his face but hadn't had time to swallow, across the kitchen floor. Doink! Cat flap doesn't open. Panic-stricken tom cat is lying on his side frantically scrabbling at the cat flap, his little paws a blur. 'Got you now!' I exclaimed triumphantly and seized him by the scruff of the neck in a vice-like grip, just as planned.

I might as well have not had hold of him at all, as in an instant he turned in my grip, sank his teeth into my hand and then raked my arms, neck, face & chest with his claws, at the same time managing to motor up and down the work-surface knocking glass jars full of pasta and assorted other breakables to the floor. This was accompanied by the most incredible caterwauling. I was now wondering what the hell to do, as if he could do me this much damage with me holding him down, what the fuck was he going to do to unfettered? I decided to cut my losses and hurled him out of the kitchen into the hallway, whereupon I heard him thunder down the stairs and THUNK into the front door. My wife is shouting 'What the fuck is going on?' and I'm like 'Just stay where you are, there's a bloody mental case cat loose in here'

Then he came back up and did a tour of the flat at about 75mph while I'm scrabbling frantically to open the cat flap so he can get out, but there's blood all over my fingers and I couldn't get a grip on the little plastic tab thing. I finally got it open by banging it with a spatula, and just in time as the maniac cat comes back in the kitchen and BAM out through the cat flap.

Did the trick. Never saw that cat again.

I've still got the scars.

(Apologies for the immensity of length)
(RichardInSydney would like to know why teh date & time is, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 4:05, Reply)