Its not sex thats the problem its the chuffing cats
For the last 18years or so MrsG and I have put up with a large amount of "cat nonsense". This has led to their eventual banishment from the bedroom at night. At one point we even restricted them to the Utility room but the horrible looks in the morning were enough for us to relent and allow them back into (most of) the house. The charges against them largely relate to their nighttime acquisitions:
1. Live mice - hahaha very funny that you want to chase live mice round our bedroom at 2AM when we want to sleep.
2. Live rabbits - have you heard the scream of a baby rabbit as it is being tortured to death on the floor near you? its not a very nice way to wake up.
3. Live birds - I think the phrase was "that bird seems awfully loud". Thats because it was sat on our windowsill (on the inside :-/ ); with three cats sat looking at it.
4. Cat fights. These along the lines of "I hate you and you will die. You may be another cat which lives in this house and I have lived with for years. I now find this time the most appropriate at which to kill you"
5. Cat jumping tests
a)wardrobe to bed.
b)floor to bed and see if we can miss the humans - oh; that does not seem possible; try again. Rpt
6. Dead things - the very worst was a dead rabbit on my pillow. I rolled over to discover this.
7. Live "lost" things - "scuse us be could you get our mouse out from behind that: chest of drawers, wardrobe, bed, bedside table - delete as appropriate"
8. Feed me now!
9. Wake up and play! No reason, but we're just a bit bored
10. I'm senile and need to yowl at the top of my voice in the middle of the night.
I might actually give up pet ownership - its not remotely restful.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 22:31, 23 replies)

And the missus wonders why I've banned the dogs and cats from our bedroom.
*clicks*
(Dante licked your nipple on, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 23:43, closed)

11. "Look I caught a baby critter in the middle of the night and now I have to share it with you on your bed. Here - have some of the guts, that's the best bit"
At the top of his meowy voice.
*clicketty click*
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 24 Jun 2011, 0:08, closed)

The odd slug, centipede, moth cocoon, chewed to a lovely green blob then left nestled in long cat hair.

We keep the cats firmly locked up. Not as though the present pair are capable of catching a woodlouse. (pigglebug)
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 1:49, closed)

Staggered home at 3am this morning...
To find the cat (Gif) sprawled out on my bed, covering about 80% of it...and the bastard gave ME the filthy look when I kicked him off...
( snee held his breath since, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 8:20, closed)

12. Wake up to find that the cat has decided that your face is the warmest spot to sleep on.
3a. Live Frogs, They screeeeeeeam!

13. Cats deciding that your feet must die, waking up in pain.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 9:10, closed)

Ah..
The fine art of "bedmousing"
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 22:30, closed)

14. Wake up to find Jones (as in Jesus!) licking the sweat off your nearly bald short-haired head in the middle of the night.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 24 Jun 2011, 9:38, closed)

My cats usually bring me frogs. One of my cats is particularly good at this, six in one night is the record so far. I hear a muffled miaow from the cat, he drops the frog (or toad - he doesnt discriminate) outside my bedroom door - and then the squealing starts. Why don't they just eat the fuckers :(
(Freakmandu, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 10:09, closed)

Cats are shit
Get a dog.
( Hunter Stockton was murdered by a bicycle wielding axolotl,.,.,.,., Fri 24 Jun 2011, 10:28, closed)

I fully endorse this post.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 24 Jun 2011, 13:05, closed)

The dog
just wouldn't even dare.. It suffers at the whim of the cats as well.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 22:23, closed)

Sling the fuckers outside and stop all the anthropomorphism.
It's a cat, it does not have a personality or human emotions.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 10:39, closed)

Cats are nocturnal hunters.
Never let them out @ night as basically that's when they go and decimate the local (usually native and or protected) fauna.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 24 Jun 2011, 11:14, closed)

www.wimp.com/catbarks
then you see evidence like this, and realise that they're probably plotting some sort of coup.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 13:31, closed)

Office loltastic
CLICK. Dead stuff on pillows? It sounds like your cats need to stop watching the Godfather, but the results were very amusing to read. No doubt you will be criticised by the cat haters, but I'm sure your shoulders are broad enough to bear the haters!
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 10:48, closed)

15-waking up in the morning to find the bastard cat has pissed on all of your work clothes that you laid out the night before.
Not just the shirt, or the trousers, ALL of the clothes, including piss in BOTH SHOES.

This was an ex's cat, not mine, and I sincerely hope it's dead now.
(orestes is shitting in the 1940s, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 12:27, closed)

such precision pissing...
you sure it wasn't the ex?!
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 13:11, closed)

I dumped a girl once at her house
She begged me to stay just "one more night." I was having none of it. I went to leave, not noticing the pile of gloop in my shoe until I'd put it on and it had oozed through my socks. The crazy witch had an elderly, sick and clearly very aware cat who had vomited (at her command, I like to think) into my shoes in order to keep me captive in her lair for a few more minutes.
( Scrumper, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 16:07, closed)

"she woman cat type thing will be sick on your shoe"
Mary Whitehouse experience IIRC.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 22:20, closed)

16. Wake up to find cat IN bed with you clutching your leg with its claws as you've inconsiderately moved slightly from your allowed sleeping position in the night.
(CarryOnKay, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 13:46, closed)

Let's just say it can be very off-putting when, in the middle of a very intimate moment with my then-GF, one of our cats pushed open the door, jumped on the end of the bed and started purring at the top of his voice...

Not bedroom related but once when we were attempting the deed in her garden we were watched - very intently and from a very short distance away - by one of her cats...
(Slave to Percy, Fri 24 Jun 2011, 19:07, closed)

17. Waking up wondering "What is that smell?" (it must be bad enough to wake you right?)
To find yourself copping a fluffy-arse-blast from the oldest and most flatulent kitteh in the manse.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 24 Jun 2011, 23:52, closed)

Hahaha - that reminds me
I did exactly that to my wife! "A fart so bad it woke me up", were the exact words.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Sat 25 Jun 2011, 14:02, closed)